The fact of my bladder tumour is sinking in. When I first was told nine days ago I cried. I cried the next day too. It was intermittent. By the third day I was really calm and have been that way until now. Having the pre-op appointment was the beginning of reality setting in. Thinking about the scans on Monday is also affecting my sense of the reality of the situation. My partner is also feeling it. We both got upset this morning about how my dog Stiggy will cope. I asked Dean to put my pillow and bedcover in Stiggy's bed so he can smell me if I were to die.
I'm not scared of dying but I hate the thought of how upset my loved ones will be. I also hate the thought of all the things I'll miss. But I don't know if my tumour is invasive or malignant or not.
I spend time concentrating on the tumour willing it to be non-invasive and benign. I pray a lot for the same thing and the strength to cope whatever happens.
Meanwhile normal life goes on. I am optimistic about my chances and prepared for the worst. I'll deal with things as they come up.
