So I started this blog as a way of being able to express my feelings as I take this one way journey with my little brother, feelings that I don't feel able to express out loud for fear of causing more pain where there's already a shed load! I thought if I wrote it down it may help me, may ease my pain or make this unchartered journey less bumpy, maybe a little easier to travel, Well strike that one out! As I read it back and re-read it back dozens of time, the pain hit me like a brick and the tears that I'd been holding back burst like a dam. I can safely say I've slept very little in the last three days and cried a river. Do I feel any better for it?, no is the truthful answer I don't, I feel weak, I feel guilty, I feel heart sore. I'm just the passenger really, he's the one with a one way ticket and I'm the one crying myself to sleep, can't eat, can't think straight not so much of the big brave sister behind closed doors am I.
I went to see him this afternoon, the side of his face has swollen slightly over the scar, he's having more strange sensations in his head, more sensory problems and for the first time after spending some time talking to him I realised that he knew, he knows what's going to happen. All this time he'd been talking about this incurable tumour he has never called it "terminal", today he did. I write like we've been living this nightmare for months, years even, when in actual fact it's still only been a couple of weeks, it just feels like forever.
Treatment starts next week, he says he doesn't think he'll be able to make it till the end of the first six weeks. A cold fear gripped me, he has to do it, we can't give up hope before we begin. It made me realise even more that this road is in complete darkness for us, we don't know how far it is, we don't know the directions, we don't know know how many twists and turns there will be, we don't know what we'll find on the way.
I need to give my head a serious wobble, I need to dig deep and I need to bring back this big sister. I need to bury my pain for now and gather all the strength I can for this journey. Maybe tonight I'll sleep, tomorrow's another day.....
