Hey Im new to the site and have never written a blog before...
When I was 16 I was feeling really sick on a school trip in Russia. The school organised for a doctor to have a look at my after I had been throwing up constantly for 2 days. He took one look at my swollen stomach and asked if I was pregnant. As you can imagine, I was mortified! But to air on the side of caution I was taken to a Russian hosiptal where several scans where done (including an ultrascan). Scary Russian doctors told me I had a big mass inside me and that they didnt know what it was. My dad flew out to Russia and took me home where I was seen at Adenbrooks hospital in Cambridge. They told me I had a large tumour in my ovary and several small tumours in my body. My large tumour weighed nearly half a stone and was 15cm long! I did look pregant on reflection, but it was when those smock tops were really in fashion!
I had chemotherapy and lost my hair. I wore a wig and continued to live my life exactly the same. I didnt drop out of school and repeat the year. I just dropped one of my AS levels. I carried on drinking, partying and my relationship with my boyfriend was amazing. He helped me feel pretty and normal when I was bald and had lost my curves he had fallen for. I saw my cancer as an inconvience. I never thought I would die, not once. I feared I might not be able to have children but thats about it.
Up to yesterday I felt I had truly put it all behind me. My hair has grown back to the length it was before, I passed my A levels (AAB!) and was nervous about starting uni in a few weeks. My scans always just come back fine and I assumed that this weeks would be the same.
My doctor told me that they have found two tumours in me. One near my liver and one near (there not sure if its on it yet) my ovary.
My doctor thinks the tumours seem like the little ones I had before. They wernt cancerous, it was only the big tumour that had cancer in it. She thinks these tumours may have been there before just too small to see.
There seems so many scenarios to consider. Last time I felt so positive (perhaps slightly oblivious to the danger). But this time I feel so low. I feel like im going to be battling this my whole life. I dont want to die a tragic death after battling cancer all my live. I just feel like a massive cloud is hanging over me. A feeling of panic that they arent going to be able to stop it and its just going to spread. Im close to tears all the time through fear.
Sorry to ramble on just when ever I try and talk about it to my family they usually cry. I feel like ive got to be strong for them! They expect me to be fine about it all like last time. I dont really want to talk about it with my friends cos I feel like a bit of a freak, normally are conversations are all about uni, gossip and making plans. I want to be like my friends and talking about my cancer with them changes that. I always have to make it into a joke with them. If I say to anyone 'I feel like Im going to die' they just say 'you wont, you wont' etc.
Just need someone to talk to. I feel so alone and scared.
FormerMember
Firstly I want to say how sorry I am about the two small ones that they might have to deal with now. Your Russian visit was a spectacular way to discover it all for the first time (is there a book in there? That's one way of getting it out of your system mentally without feeling you are burdening friends and you can do all th sniffling you want whilst composing - yes, I am serious about the book, and for someone who's never blogged for, it is moving writing!).
Because we have all been through this/are going through it, no-one here will mind if you talk about what you are going through as many times as you feel you need to. You can come on here and scream and shout, cry (and we shall cry with you), and also just share the minutiae of treatment AND NOT FEEL ALONE! There are other people of your age on the site, and I'm sure that you will find each other. I hope also that even we middle-aged people can listen for you and provide some emotional support.
You managed so fantastically well with the initial process, and maybe that was not only demonstrating your strength of charcter, but was also because if was all sudden and dramatic - you didn't have much time to ruminate about it, and you managed amazingly to continue with your A Levels (fab grades by the way!!). Now however, you have had the shock not only of the tumour popping back up in your life, but also of having to endure more treatment at a time when you should have been taking wing and just sharing all the talk of Uni with your friends.
Yes, by the way, whatever age, friends are always eager to look on the bright side - which is wellmeaning but can be frustrating and even hurtful (Why are they denying the REAL me?) It's harder for younger people as they have so little personal experience that they can't fully understand what you are going through.
When will you know exactly what is going to be done by way of treatment. Obviously we are all hoping that these bits were just leftovers from last time - and that THIS will be the last time, when they finish the job properly, and you can get on with your life.
Yes, you just want the chance to have a normal life, and what is happening is so desperately unfair.
Sending you lots of What Now ((((((hugs)))))) and xxxx Penny
Hi Vicky........Penny as said it all what I would say to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE my chic. You have been here before and can do this again, and no it isn't right or fair that one so young should have to go through this. You do whatever it takes to beat this,cry, scream, whatever my sweet. We are here for you and will give you all the support we can. I am lucky, I am 48 and a stubon old bat fighting ovarian cancer like a mad woman and I know that staying positive isn't always that easy. So I am sending love and hugs to you and do what you have to do...........Love Carol x
Hi Vicky, it looks like a lot of 'first's' for both of us!
I only posted my very first 'blog' last night and this is the first time I have had to realise that my malignant melanoma may actually end up finishing me off.
As a mother of a daughter your age I can really understand how your mum must be feeling, I know I would be devastated if it was my daughter going through this. BUT, then on the other hand as someone going through it myself I appreciate how lonely it can be when you feel you have to protect the ones you love. In the end it's easier to say nothing isn't it?
I really hope that these tumours are treatable and that you will eventually get to experience your Uni dreams and ambitions. I am in awe of you getting such wonderful grades in spite of all that went on. My daughter got 2A's and 2 B's but she was lucky that's all she had to concentrate on.
I'm sure there will be other wonderful people here in your situation who will reply to you too. I think this site is wonderful, it already feels like 'home' and I only joined a few days ago!
Just take things one at a time. My philosophy is to take things one appointment at a time as at each one I'm told of more things that have to be done!
Big cyber hugs - of course you feel low sweetheart; it's just so unfair and it must be unreal for you to hear your friends making plans for uni while you have all this hanging over you. And however hard we try, this is not a disease which you can put out of your mind easily. But as Penny and Carol have already said, you really are not alone - please come to What Now and rant and rave and let it out of your system. We all know exactly what it's like to have to put on a brave face for family and friends. You've already got through this once, and you can do it again. Are they doing a biopsy on the new tumours? Are you waiting for results at the moment? You say your doctor doesn't believe they are cancerous? We will all be hoping and praying that this is the case. But whatever happens, you're a fighter and you can get through this. And please remember to come back here and let us know what's happening. Love, Kate xxx
You are very young for this anguish. Cancer is no respecter of persons, but you have kicked this once, and can do so again.
My daughter's boyfriend had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma when he was 17, and his premonition of dying on the table came true, except that he was in the best place for it to happen and he was resuscitated and the surgery was successful.
He had a recurrence or another different cancer some years later, but kicked that and he is 40 now and fit as a fiddle.
You had an outlet for that fear last time, with your boyfriend who loved you for yourself. You went partying and enjoying yourself, and thinking positively helped you.
You don't have to endure constant recurrences. It is probable that they missed the tumours last time, because the malignancy was too small to recognise. It is a treacherous disease, and the odd cell can escape to cause trouble again. However, you are stronger now, and it is not as strong as it was before. You can overcome it.
It is different when it is us telling you. We are not afraid to support you even if it doesn't work out. Maybe you need to assess the likelihood of things not going according to plan, but just look it in the face until you are ready, then walk away. Don't worry about anything that you don't know about yet. We all handle it by thinking only of the next scan, the next surgery, the next chemo session.
We all die one day or another, and we die of something. Just accept that it will happen eventually, but not neccessarily for a very long time in your case, and maybe not of cancer either. You may need to store eggs though.
I am sure you will enjoy your degree studies. What are you going to do? Where? Does the University have a good Medical School? They could learn a lot from you.
