Hey Im new to the site and have never written a blog before...
When I was 16 I was feeling really sick on a school trip in Russia. The school organised for a doctor to have a look at my after I had been throwing up constantly for 2 days. He took one look at my swollen stomach and asked if I was pregnant. As you can imagine, I was mortified! But to air on the side of caution I was taken to a Russian hosiptal where several scans where done (including an ultrascan). Scary Russian doctors told me I had a big mass inside me and that they didnt know what it was. My dad flew out to Russia and took me home where I was seen at Adenbrooks hospital in Cambridge. They told me I had a large tumour in my ovary and several small tumours in my body. My large tumour weighed nearly half a stone and was 15cm long! I did look pregant on reflection, but it was when those smock tops were really in fashion!
I had chemotherapy and lost my hair. I wore a wig and continued to live my life exactly the same. I didnt drop out of school and repeat the year. I just dropped one of my AS levels. I carried on drinking, partying and my relationship with my boyfriend was amazing. He helped me feel pretty and normal when I was bald and had lost my curves he had fallen for. I saw my cancer as an inconvience. I never thought I would die, not once. I feared I might not be able to have children but thats about it.
Up to yesterday I felt I had truly put it all behind me. My hair has grown back to the length it was before, I passed my A levels (AAB!) and was nervous about starting uni in a few weeks. My scans always just come back fine and I assumed that this weeks would be the same.
My doctor told me that they have found two tumours in me. One near my liver and one near (there not sure if its on it yet) my ovary.
My doctor thinks the tumours seem like the little ones I had before. They wernt cancerous, it was only the big tumour that had cancer in it. She thinks these tumours may have been there before just too small to see.
There seems so many scenarios to consider. Last time I felt so positive (perhaps slightly oblivious to the danger). But this time I feel so low. I feel like im going to be battling this my whole life. I dont want to die a tragic death after battling cancer all my live. I just feel like a massive cloud is hanging over me. A feeling of panic that they arent going to be able to stop it and its just going to spread. Im close to tears all the time through fear.
Sorry to ramble on just when ever I try and talk about it to my family they usually cry. I feel like ive got to be strong for them! They expect me to be fine about it all like last time. I dont really want to talk about it with my friends cos I feel like a bit of a freak, normally are conversations are all about uni, gossip and making plans. I want to be like my friends and talking about my cancer with them changes that. I always have to make it into a joke with them. If I say to anyone 'I feel like Im going to die' they just say 'you wont, you wont' etc.
Just need someone to talk to. I feel so alone and scared.
FormerMember
hi vicky , sorry that you are having to go through all this at such a young age . congratulations on your Alevel results by the way my daughter has passed hers & is also off to uni so i can imagine how proud your parents are of you for doing so well. you are a very strong person sweetheart & you can do this again. i do hope that these tumors are benign & that you can enjoy what is about to be the most exciting time , but if you can't go to uni this year you can go next ,please keep your strong spirt up. like penny & keezerbird said even at our age friends & family don't want to talk about how we feel about cancer , do you have any councelling services were you live they have been a god send to me i can be my self without the fear of upsetting anyone close to maybe you could try to access these fantastic services. i want to send you a great big hug & i am praying that your results come back negative with all my love & wishes treeze xxxx
Congratulations on your A level results, after everything you've been through that is amazing (I didn't do so well in my A levels because I just plain lazy). Sorry to hear what you are now going through. I too tried to be strong for my family and boyfriend. I didn't talk to anyone about it and ended up sinking really low, and it took a long time to crawl back out. This site has been brilliant for me, I've made lots of friends who have been really supportive and I've got in touch with people my own age (I'm 27 with leukaemia). It has really helped speaking to people my own age as most people at the hospital are usually a lot older.
What a lot you've been through! I'm so sorry. Yes, it is difficult to talk to family and friends without THEM falling apart and you ending up comforting them. I agree with all the contributors to this page and I would only be repeating their sound words of advice and comfort but I felt I had to say we are all here for you. Do feel free to rant and rave - you're bloody well entitled to do so!
Welcome to 'What Now' as someone once described "the club nobody ever wished to join!" it says it all. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry to hear about the tumours once more. I can only imagine that it feels like some nightmarish version of 'Groundhog Day' at the moment. Sometimes you have to fight afew small battles to win a war! So you hang on in there and find out what treatment your doctors have planned and what their expectations are about getting this 'crap' under control. Big hugs Metzy x
Hey Vicky! I'm soo glad to have finally found someone else who's going through a similar thing to me! I'm 19 and I was diagnosed with an ovarian germ cell tumor a few months ago. It was huge, about the same size as yours. I looked about five months gone lol. I'm in university at the moment and I'm hoping to carry on with my life as normally as I can. I'm terrified about losing my hair though! I know it sounds shallow but that's the thing I'm most worried about :( I really don't want to look ill. How long did yours take to come back after the treatment? How long did you need chemotherapy for? Were you having BEP? I'm gutted to here your news that the cancer's come back, I can understand why you're feeling low hun. It must be horrible to get over an ordeal like that, feel like you've put it behind you and then have to face it all over again. I can only begin to imagine how you're feeling. You're going to fine though! This type of cancer is apparently one of the easiest to treat. I really think that this is just a blip for you. You seem like a really strong person and you can't let this thing beat you :) I know exactly how you feel with the whole talking to friends thing. It's hard cuz cancer is always on my mind but you feel like you can't bring it up because you don't want to make everyone else miserable and it's a bit of a conversation killer, let's face it. And also, you don't really want to bring it up because if you do, then you can't deny to yourself that it's happenning anymore! I'm finding it really hard to look to the future. Everyone's making plans for nights out, holidays etc etc and I keep having to say 'aww no I can't do that, I'm gonna be in hospital that day'. It sucks. None of them seem to understand what I'm going through. I just think it's so unfair that we have to go through this at our age :( Just know that you're not alone though! You're gonna be fine :) Just think, it will all be over soon. all the best, Hannah x x x
