My family have been on the lung cancer roller-coaster for the last 18 months. I think Dad is moving towards the end, he has been fighting but seemingly the battle is almost lost. He almost died two weeks ago, and we were told last week that he may only have a matter of days left, but he has rallied, and they are talking about letting him come home from the hospital, which is great. Really worried about Mum and how she will manage, as we don't live close enough to be there every day. Don't know how we are going to cope - any thoughts or experiences welcome.
FormerMember
....you know been there done that!! ....wish we didnt have to eh?
i know you dont live close by -but- is there any chance you could go stay and help
maybe have a week off work?
or even go for the weekend?
or maybe you have close relative /friends who live near your mum who could maybe pop round to help for an hour or so?
ValS, this is of course a broad but not so broad question. It is really simply a grieving process that takes time and has pretty universally accepted stages that we go through when we lose someone. The biggest difference is that when someone is "dying" vs a sudden death, you grieve before the death in the same way you would grieve if it was a sudden loss. It can create confusion during that time if you have never experienced it. I have experienced both the sudden death of my father and the dying of my mother. When my mother finally died I noticed that the grief was more relief. Relief for her suffering to end and for all of us to deal with the finality of it and get on with what would come next with her being gone. It was amazing how I was pretty much all cried out by the time she died. I was able to find things I was grateful for, like the gift of being there with her in such a poignant and personal moment of leaving this earth.
Be kind to yourselves and love one another. Prepare yourselves that your grief will seem lessened and don't feel guilty about that. (Those who are in denial will have full blown grief when its over and it will seem strange to those who have already been grieving.) I've seen a lot who feel guilty because they are cried out at the end and somehow feel they are dishonoring their loved one. Its not that at all, you have just done most of the grieving already, from diagnosis, to understanding its terminal, to dealing with it, and then its over.
Be strong, love your mom and dad right now and know that you will all get through it. We all do somehow. I tend to not think about it at the time, but just put one foot in front of the other as best I can and keep myself moving passionately and sensitively forward trying to help those I love along the way to keep going.
Recognizing what each family is going through and feeling is helpful to your own assessment of yourself. Being sensitive to each other is important. My sister was in full blown denial for the entire dying process. She was often angry with me because I seemed calm and therefore, unaffected by our mother's situation. It wasn't that at all of course. But I was her caregiver and my focus was different. I was focused on making sure she was comfortable and pain free which was her request of me. Years later, my sister and I have discussed it and she has admitted to being in complete denial and says often, "Thank God for you Lori, that you were strong enough to take care of her and you did an amazing job. I'm sorry you had to deal with me too and that I wasn't very helpful." It is true her grief was burdensome to me, but it isn't true that she wasn't helpful, she was and so I focus on that and point out how she was helpful.
It is good to "anticipate" what will need to be dealt with after your Dad passes, but its very important to stay in the present and have faith that you will all deal with how your Mom will manage when it is time to do that. Be there for her now as best you can and for your Dad. Each thing will present itself at the time it should and you will find your way out.
I agree a lot with hubrat's sentiments. Unfortunately everyone has to deal with it sometime - I alwys say that the terminal ones do have an advantage in that you can say your godbyes and put all of your affairs in order unlike the sudden ones. I take that as a positive actually in a strange way. What I did find was that our mother was the centre of our universe for about a year but intensely so for the last 6 months where everything we did was for her or related to her. The last months were particularly intense as she was at home all of the time with no dedicated nurses. The district nurse used to come and give her morphine every four hours but we did all of the nursing twenty four hours a day. The problem was when it was over we had a build up of grief coupled with a lack of things to do which was very difficult. At the time we were in the local newsagents so all of our customers either asked how she was or came to offer condolences which was extremely difficult. I think your mother will have face that - that there is agoing to be a big hole which will be compunded by grief. Time is great healer but it really is very hard.
Val, All I can say to you is to try to be there if you can, take time off work and go to your mum and dad, they will both need you. I lost my husband on 3rd August and believe me you do cope, it's not easy but it is one of those things in life that you cannot change and each day you will have different thoughts and memories of your dads last days with you that you will want to treasure. God bless you darling my thoughts are with you. Annxxxx
I appreciate you taking the time to comment - yours and hubrat's messages have helped. I experienced sudden death when my first dad died several years ago from a heart attack. this time will be different, but still hard, as you found. At least I don't have people asking me about it every day like you did. I hope time is proving a healer for you and your family.
