On Thursday the funeral went as well as it could have done, so many beautiful flowers, I managed to get through my poem. Now I sit here and slowly the realisation has started hitting, it is coming in waves and somedays are without tears as she wouldn't want me to cry, and other days I just cant stop. Today is one of those days.
I am back to work today, and although its only a part time job its hard to even think about going back. I want to sit here in my own world feeling sad, feeling like that light that is so prominant in your life is gone, never ever to return. I dont want to get out of bed because it hurts to damn much, and as the morning light creeps in and your somewhere between dreams and sleep, its like a smack it the face with a frying pan. She isn't here any more.
Only people, family, carers, friends who have watched a loved one suffer so much can truly understand when I say as much as I love her, miss her crave to speak to her, feel sick to my stomach with grief, that however I feel I do not, can not wish her back. How can I? Nearly 5yrs of fight this horrible evil vile disease, I can not do that. The days I held her as she cried in pain, as we spoke about how she was feeling and what was happening, I've never seen a braver person. My mum was tiny I say tiny as in physical size she was 5ft 1 and was lucky to weigh over 7st. But inside was an immense power, bravery that i have never seen before.
Friday I went to Michelham Priory Kev and I needed some off time, we walked and spoke and got entrawled into the place and it was an amazing historical place. We stopped for lunch at their cafe and I turned to look at what they had to offer, in a split second I was in tears, I had almost forgot, I had not thought about what had happened. Yet looking at one candy cane brought me to my knees. Its something I would have bought for mum as a gift as we always did when we went places.
One thing that we put in with her was a half eaten rock my neice and I had picked up in Brighton when we went. She had nibbled at it and not finished it. We put quite a bit in with mum and as we lined it up we joked it'd weigh more then her. Her favourite tea cup, a crystal cross I had bought in Dublin and a piece of buble wrap, she was well renowned for saving bits of it so she could "pop it later" more stuff then I could ever write on here, some private stuff too.
On Saturday we went to Sainsburys a new one has just opened up down the road so we went for a nose, even though they all look the same now. As we looked through the isles of clothes I stopped and looked at a jumper mum would have liked for Christmas. So we move to the free of people gadget isle where I cant do anything but to hang onto Kev and cry. We now joke that I have to stop crying because it looks like he's been mean to me. Its the only way I can stop.
I have done all christmas shopping online, I cant bare the shops. Or Christmas. As much as both of my parents were christmas fanatics this year I just want it to stop. Hell I want to world to stop and just for two seconds acknowledge she has gone. My worst fear of shops is card shops, and I know if you have been through this you will understand. So now I have sat here and mumbled and spurt it all out there in a post that can only be described as "Black" I will move on for today, I will get ready for work at three and go on my way at four. I know I have to give it time, its been nearly six yrs since we lost dad and I was only thinking in October that weight you have in your heart had subsided, it was ok that he was gone and I love him and miss him but I felt "OK" Now I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel, I cant see a way out and in all honesty I really dont want too.
