The other night, I phoned my mom. I wasn’t sure what I needed, you never outgrow wanting to hear your mother’s voice. We talked for a long while, and I told her how frustrated I was with postponing chemo and things not seeming to go according to plan. The next day I went on to find an email waiting from my mom. It had an enclosed video and a quick note – Praying with you… you know this already, here’s a refresher
When I opened the video, I quickly realized how familiar it was. In March I had spoken at a women’s conference at my Church. I talked about my journey with cancer and God, and especially about our plans versus God’s plans.
Revisiting what I said in this video really struck me. God has a plan for my life, and it just so happens to include cancer. He didn’t put me on this Earth to mess with my head; He put trials there in order for me to grow in my faith with Him. I’m learning to not be so focused on the future; what I need to know is right here, and the rest is in God’s hands.
Looking back, I see myself losing myself in the future so many times, an imaginary future that wasn’t God’s future. Last May, my husband and I returned from a vacation. I was in remission, we were coming back to finish up a mastectomy & have recon, and then put cancer behind us. As it turned out, that wasn’t what was in store for me. May 10 I was diagnosed with breast cancer the second time, and started chemo shortly after.
I see this happening again just this winter. Jack and I are looking into trial treatments, sifting through so many papers and getting opinions thrown at us every which way. We had finally settled on a trial for us, and where just praying for the strength to get us through the new experience. A call comes, and a few steps later the trial is slipped out from under us. I’m feeling angry and disappointed at this point, but Jack was able to see it differently. He explained to me… God was showing us that he didn’t want this trial. For whatever reason we couldn’t see, it wasn’t for our family. (3 rounds and 35% reduction later, things are starting to make sense!)
3 months later that seems like a surefire sign to me, but at the time, it was hard to grasp. What I’m trying to get out of things now is this; what’s coming isn’t up to me. I can try as hard as I want and plan the future, and maybe some things will go the way I want. Other things won’t, but what I can do is pray for acceptance and strength with God’s plans, and give thanks. Easier said than done, but I know my fate isn’t doom; no one’s is. While things are going according to God’s plan, instead of feeling like things didn’t work out again, I’m going to around me, and praise God. I’ll praise him for my husband, for Seth and Emmarie, for always being there for me. For giving me the Church and all of the support in it. I’ll thank him for everything that seems to be spiraling downhill, because I’ll know he’s waiting for me, and ready to listen to what I have to say.
“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5
I’m praying to accept God’s will with thanks. I know I jumped all over the place in this, but I really tried to make my thoughts as clear as I could. If you’re one to pray, please say an extra prayer for my family and I in accepting what’s to come. Sorry for a lengthy confusing post, I just needed the extra reminders myself to accept God’s plan with thanks, not being so stuck on my own. If this made sense to anyone else, great as well.
