Some days I am a selfish cow....

Hello Doylescat .... I am sorry that you have found yourself here with your husband's diagnosis, it's a terrible shock to learn that a loved one has cancer. It is without a doubt a trauma .... four years ago we went through it too as I was told I had squamous cell carcinoma on the floor of my mouth.

We found the waiting for treatment to start was almost unbearable, but once underway it just took over and we went with the flow ..... our lives were organised for us with surgery / radiotherapy and various appointments.

It's understandable for your husband to have dark moments .... I had many, but with the help we got through it all. The medical teams are always there as the treatments continue and no one expects you to do everything ...... you have to take it one step at a time. If you can get help with work and the general stuff, then accept it ...... the road may be hard, but not impossible. Take care.

Joycee xxx

Hi Doylescat,

Well you're living proof of the saying "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans". It's tough, and you've got to decide pretty quickly who comes first in this situation - you or your husband. If you don't think you can (or want to) hack it, then you've got to find someone to help him through because it's tough and he probably won't be able to go it alone. That's a nasty cancer he's got & the treatment isn't a walk in the park, no way.

Of course he's like a cornered animal, he's terrified and will take it out on you. That's a very common reaction. He'll also be weeping inside, feeling desperate, and he'll need you like a child needs its mother. But he'll never admit that, you'll have to take it as read.

If you resent being needed in this way, and all the extra effort it's going to take, then you know what you have to do. But I'm guessing that although right now you're as scared and resentful as he is, you're a tough cookie and you'll be able to handle it better than you think. Most of us find a kind of courage we never knew we had, when cancer  tries to demolish our lives.

I wish you both all the very best on this journey.

With love and hugs,

Twirly xxx

Hi Doylescat,

Just wanted to write back, as I was a carer also for my husband. He was diagnosed with testicular cancer that had spread to his lymph nodes in February last year.  When he was diagnosed it was obviously a shock and we were both scared, but we both knew that he was going to fight it as hard as he could. We also decided to get married, as I didn't want him to be going through all that horrible treatment (I'd read up a bit so sort of knew what to expect) without us being married and him knowing that I'd be with him no matter what. 

After his second cycle of chemo he developed a blood clot in his brain. It was the most scared I have ever been in my entire life and at that point I knew I needed to make a decision. He really really needed me, he was bedridden for weeks, and on morphine as he was in so much pain.  I had to decide if earning money was more important than being with my husband. I did the calculations and I worked out that I could quit my job and live off savings for a few months while I supported him. It was the best decision I ever made, he was so happy to have me at the hospital with him every day. Once he was finally released we were able to spend time at home, I made all his meals, looked after the house, we went for walks. And our relationship has become that much stronger.  I think you need to work out if your husband really really needs you there with him, or if you want to carry on working and focus on your business and supporting yourselves financially. Otherwise, like my friend Twirly has said, you need to find someone else to help him. A sibling, a friend, something like that. My husbands friends and family rallied round him, which was great for him, a real pick me up, so maybe you could involve them as well as yourself looking after him? 

My hubby had those dark moments too, especially after his operation. It was very hard on me as usually he's never moody at all and very loving. The only way you can deal with it is to come to Macland and vent, as its really not his fault, you are the closest person to him, and so he will take things out on you. I found coming to Macland a godsend, I've made some wonderful friends and they helped me through the bad patches. 

My mum often says to me that she could never have been as brave as I have, but I don't see it that way, as a wife and carer you have to do what you have to do. I love my husband so I did and do what I have to to help him get better. Just like our husbands have to fight it. 

I know it sucks, cancer sucks completely. Its shit and we all hate it. But life can get back to normal. 

Good luck to you and good luck to your husband when he starts his treatment on Monday

Clairly xxx

I suspect that a lot of people, possibly even the majority, would feel much as you do in the circumstances, but wouldn't dare say so for fear of being accused of being selfish. Well, everyone's selfish, in one way or another - you have to be, to get by - and nobody ever really expects the 'better or worse' and 'sickness and health' bits of the marriage service to turn out to be 'worse' and 'sickness'.

I would be less sympathetic if it were the other way round and it were your husband posting, but, as a woman, you'll have had to work twice as hard as a man to get your business off the ground and be taken seriously, and you'll have to work twice as hard to keep it running, or get it back on track if you neglect it. It's part of your identity, and losing it would be devastating.

As for your husband taking things out on you, that's unacceptable. Let him get that into his head right from the start. I have cancer, and you don't see me bitching at my carer (I whine a bit sometimes, admittedly), because I'm a big girl and I suck it up.

Speaking of sucking, cancer does. I'm sorry it's hit you and your husband. Good luck with everything! It's possible things may become more tolerable once his treatment's started - I certainly hope so.

- Hilary