hi everyone , been having the blues lately crying a lot . i try to keep how i realy feel under wraps & even in my blogs hold back. fed up of feeling sorry for myself but just feel like screaming why is this happening .everyone keeps saying im brave but what is brave all we are all trying to do is cope with it the best we can . plus i don't feel brave not if they realy knew what i felt inside i am so scared it hurts . im scared of leving my kids & what would happen if i was no longer around . how would it affect everyone in my family. i know i shouldn't think like this & i have every in tentions of beating this cancer to a plup but it is messing with my head at the moment i think its because of not having the chemo last week.. i try to keep thinking 11 weeks then radio after the recon next year i will have me back but it feels so long away at the moment maybe its the dark nights that are making me feel down i just want to feel like me again i have always been like if you don't first succsed then try & try again but my resolve is way down will try to get back there i promise sorry for my doom & gloom but its been a horrible time latley so glad you are all here you have helped me so much . got to go for chemo on thursday let you all know if it goes a head this week speak to you all soon love n hugs theresa xxxx
FormerMember
Good for you for letting it all out. That is the idea of this place. We can say how we truly feel here and everyone supports us. I am the same as you I think. I keep up a happy face while I am terrified inside. I've carried on as usual throughout my chemo (I have had oral chemo and wasn't affected too badly by it) and now think everyone has forgotten I have cancer except me. I'm having a CT this Friday and see my oncologist next Tues and I'm scared stiff the chemo hasn't worked. I have a low grade Non Hodgkin Lymphoma which my oncologist says cant be cured but can be held at bay for years hopefully. Last time he told me the sword was hanging over my head and who knew when it would fall!! I am married with three big kids 20,18 and 15 who still need their mum. My own mother died last year of a brain tumour and its just not fair to have them worrying now about me.
Anyway, we wont take these things lying down, eh? Let it out, rant and rave to us here and know we understand and care.
All the very best for the weeks ahead and please let us know how you are doing.
Sending you heaps of love, hugs and positive vibes.
hi love i fill the same i pink and fluffy as every one think i that but i get days when i cry all day but i know why i cry i just do . i have to work throw it i dont like them to know i sad as all see me as the happy happy one it is hard but i come on here and tell them know . just take one day at a time and when dark take 1 hour at a time thats what i do.we all here to help all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( a pink fluffy hug )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX JILLYANN XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I think there's quite a bit of pressure put upon us to all become heroic the minute we are diagnosed. Whilst we may have heroic moments, I think a lot of the time we can only cope provided things are running to plan. As soon as anything unexpected lands in front of us, we have to adjust all over again. You have had the shock of having to have a break from the Taxol, and this is bound to be upsetting. Most people, even the most positive, must have moments of darker thoughts. I think this is especially true for those with children, as the worry for them is a natural part of parenting.
I hope that when the Taxol is resumed, you will feel that things are back on track and you will be more confident again. It's good that you can blog on here, and I hope that it gives you a bit of encouragement to know that others are going through the same thing. Having a good cry occasionally clear the system as well, I think!
I'm sorry you are letting it all get on top of you. As the others say, it is the setbacks that cause so much angst. Do try to look forward to the next treatment and not dwell on the distant target. It will only depress you. You will get there, but just do it in short steps.
You could try and go out for a bit in the daylight every day. That would give you a chance to counteract the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) syndrome even if it is overcast, you will get some light, and then you can go home and have a rest. The sun was shining fit to burst a while ago and I hung all my smalls on the line. Hidden by towels I hasten to add. Don't want to give next door a heart attack. Well, not really, but giving him a smack would make me feel better.
You don't need to be brave, but you might feel better if you just wear the blinkers and keep your head down. You have lovely children and they will be only too happy to peel you a grape if you ask. Tell them you'd like to be spoiled a little. They don't expect you to be brave, but if you let them help you, it will make them feel better.
you poor darling i am not surprised, you do so much for others and you look after all the kids, worry about your sister plus everyone else. Endulge in a bit of a cry it does make you feel better afterwards, you will get through this and the kids will be there for you every step of the way. You are really special so never forget that.
