So - I am now on my fourth cycle of vemurafenib. Side effects are not too bad - mainly feet hurting making it hard to walk and of course the queasy feeling and the tiredness...
Anyway that is not the news today. I checked my nodes at the weekend and found a lump under my right arm pit - where I have not had any occurrences previously. My dermatologist has said I should brace myself for further spread at my next scan on the 9th and my oncologist said not to panic... I wasn't going to panic - I have this resignation inside me now that the inevitable conclusion of this journey is nearer than I hoped. I am trying to be strong in front of the family - only my wife knows about the new lump so far - but my chest pains are returning and I am fairly sure in my own mind that the treatment had stopped working and I need the next medication. I just want to get off the helter skelter I am on and stop this ride but I guess I have a one way ticket. It is a pretty shitty ride all in all but my mask of joy and hopefulness remains on for everyone else.
I know there are new treatments on the way to hopefully bring better and longer lasting treatments for this horrible disease - maybe even a cure, but it all seems too little too late for me. I am grateful for all the work done to now to bring current treatments to the table though as it has given me extra time with my wonderful family who I hope will not suffer too much. I love them more than they will ever know.
Enough of the self pity - it could be worse I guess as there is more treatment for me to have but it all leads to an inevitable conclusion now and I wish I could have my staid boring and uneventful life back.
I have decided to look at how I can start work again anyway to try and get my mind off me and on to something else so that will focus me away from this self pity stuff and enable me to pull my Teflon coating back on and put my fears back in the box in the corner of my mind where I can ignore them for a few months more hopefully.
Onwards and upwards! Maybe the new lump is actually something else and I am worrying over nothing, maybe I will not get yet another kick in the balls... see more positive already..........
