If it was actually possible to make a woman MORE self conscious about one particular part of her anatomy, its when approximately every 4 years you get the familiar call from the doctors..”Miss Regan, its time for your smear test”
SMEAR!! Even the word conjures up horrific images and that’s before you even understand what’s actually involved. I mean come on people, change the name at least. Men get the proctology examination but we all know they don’t leave the doctors with a degree and a sense of pride. They leave with an awkward walk, a slight feeling of shame and an overwhelming urge to be held and possibly cry a little.
I think this is the reason why men can empathize with what happens in the lady part probing more commonly known as the Smear test.
This is a vitally important examination for all women and could save your life so I’m not knocking the necessity of it at all.
Now if you know me well you will agree that I’m not into crude, rude or lewd behaviour, I’m not into trying to embarrass people or purposely make someone uncomfortable BUT I do believe that this is just one of many subjects never broached publicly ..why? because its …a bit..gross?…. Involves female genitalia? But that’s part of the description of childbirth and yet we have ‘One born every minute’ on TV. So when will ‘One smear every minute’ feature on prime time? I mean if we wanna talk gross, you apparently have a very high chance of defecating whilst giving birth. Yet I can’t talk about my 4 year check up which involves some stranger judging my under garden? (And they do judge)
I think its purely down to this, men don’t want to ask and women definitely don’t want to tell.
My tip to anyone entering this scenario is always be very very nice to the woman about to clamp you. She has you in her hands, literally, and the care with which she uses her medical corkscrew or whatever it is will be determined, not by how wonderful your front bottom is but by how nice you are to her.
The first examination I had I was so nervous I didn’t speak to the nurse. She wasn’t the nicest first date I’ve ever had. Since then I’ve learned from my mistakes and always try to crack a funny or at least profess my sheer terror at the events about to occur.
This year I went with the line “I’ve been dreading this all day but I’m pretty sure its been far worse for you down that end”. So there I am, legs akimbo, balancing awkwardly on a table,making small talk with a stranger about to get as close to me as a person could get and she tells me to relax!! HAHA! She tells me I’m too tense. Too right! The medical table of implements looks like something out of a torture film and I as I lay there, trying to deep breathe my way through things as quickly as possible, I still have no idea why we haven’t upgraded from metal tools to silicone or something less…AGGHH!
I leave the surgery looking a bit like John Wayne …only far, far cuter.
So people, when your partner returns from said examination looking a bit sheepish or uncomfortable, give her a cup of tea, leave her be and definitely don’t suggest a quick bunk up!
