Just a box

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

4 May 2011

Waiting for results is so hard. Until I know if the cancer has spread I can't quite get my head around how to deal with all this. At the moment, I'm going for a really muddled mixture of trying to prepare myself for the worst while simultaneously hoping for the best.

Of course I'm hoping that my lungs will be clear and a mixture of surgery and radiotherapy will be enough to cure me, but until the consultant tells me the scan fits with that possibility every cough or sneeze is a nightmare - and it's hayfever season so there are lots of those. Woot!

I think the reason I'm finding it so hard to just hope for the best is that a few months back I had a spate of chest problems which included being stuck in hospital for three days while the doctors tried to work out what the problem was. They never did. I can't help but wonder whether that's going to turn out to be the cancer that no-one then knew I had spreading.

If it is terminal, I want it to be quick. I'm not interested in having treatment to keep me around, being sick for longer doesn't appeal in the slightest. I love my life and I love the people I share it with and I don't want to put them through a minute more of this than is absolutely necessary. I'd sooner die tomorrow than put them through the stress of watching me slowly decline. I wonder how easy it will be to refuse treatment, are we allowed to choose for ourselves or do doctors opinions count for more than ours do?

It sounds horrible to say such things, but believe me it doesn't mean I've given up - If the scan is clear and there's a hope of being cured I will fight as hard as I can for however long it takes. It's only if I can't be cured that I won't fight. I don't want to die slowly.

I've done a fair bit of preparing for the worst since I got the diagnosis - I'm working out my will and sorting out funeral plans and writing letters to the people who mean the most to me and sorting out all the stupid bits and pieces I've been putting off for way too long so that no-one else will have to. I've got a box where everything is being collected together. I'm planning on having it all done before I go in for surgery on Monday. Once it's done I'll put the box away somewhere safe and just leave it there, but it will be good to know that I don't have to worry about those horrible practicalities again no matter what. I'll be able to either concentrate on getting better or on enjoying what time I have left. I think that's a good thing, every bit of peace of mind is precious.

People keep telling me I'm coping really well and seem calm. It's not true. I'm about as terrified as it's possible to be and it seems inconceivable that life goes on as normal around me. I'm just going though the motions until I get those results. I hope it's not too long to wait.

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