Sometimes its the little things that can tip you over the edge…
Coming into work after a harrowing weekend, to find my colleague ensconced at my desk, as if I no longer existed. Of course this is my paranoia playing out and a reflection of the hitherto internal distress that I had been feeling but not acknowledging.
I wanted to rage at my colleague – “don’t you know things are hard enough as they are, without you acting as if I do not matter and do not exist!”
However professionalism decrees that I do nothing but silently unpack my bag – take my myself and my obligatory morning cup of hot water and take the stairs to the meeting on the 4th floor.
Everybody, of course asks me how my father is. What can I say? What should I say? What do they really want to hear? I give them an edited version of the truth – he is quiet, he is weak and he does not talk much.
It is painful to say the works and shocking to see them. It’s the truth that I care not for.
I am praying everyday for something to change for the better. For a miracle to land upon our family and give us cause for joy and celebration. I am insulating out all the corners to allow no room for doubt and lack of faith. There will be no leaking of uncertainy in this vessel.
In the mean time I am forced to watch the suffering of those I care about. It’s horrible.
I am not sure how one is meant to cope with something like this. I sometimes wonder if I should even still be at work at a time like this. However I seem to be able to do a day’s work and rush back to the family home and do my bit. This is of course exhausting and not sustainable. However giving up work, is not an option currently and I have limited leave left. My boss has been good though, letting me take my afternoons as TOIL and understanding my sudden need to leave work if things go belly-up.
And so, I have reclaimed my desk now and I have internally acknowledged that my rage and anger and being “usurped” comes from a place of grief and sadness.
However, no dwelling in misery and sadness. Onwards and upwards.
https://cassiegreen.wordpress.com/2014/11/24/of-straws-and-backs-and-camels/
