So, my luxurious time of doubt in the presence of God is over.

I am now praying everyday for his grace and mercy. I am praying for a miracle.

I am praying in a way that I never really prayed before.

I am trusting that God will see us through, that God will see us right.

While I am physically kneeling on the ground and clasping my hands together, mentally I am walking a tight rope. I am trying not to look down but to look up. I am learning to be grateful for every small thing in a way that perhaps I just did not get before. I am trying to contain the anger I feel – directing it at people and God may not be helpful. Instead the energy manifests itself as busyness. I am here, I am there, I am everywhere.

I have not talked with my siblings about their thoughts about where God is in all of this. I have not really talked about this with my parents either. Instead I just listen to their words of faith – “God knows best”, “He has the masterplan”. I am trying to draw comfort from these words. At the beginning of this journey my mother made us pray a special prayer. I think God helped us, I think He helps us everyday. I know it is a strange thing to say considering the circumstances but I believe He knows our pain and our suffering. The angry cynic in me then screams “then why does He not make it stop?!”. I do not know the answer, I am not sure that I could ever hear an answer that I would be happy with. However I take comfort in the thought that He takes a Mess and makes it into a Masterpiece. I also know I cannot see it now, at all. But like the bug in the Persian rug who can only see what is directly in front of him, if he were to fly above it all, he would see a beautiful design, the like of which it would be impossible to imagine from his ground level vantage point.

Onwards and upwards.