Well it's been one of those days - the first wedding anniversary without my lovely man. Cold, grey and wet. Yesterday reminded me more of my wedding day - hot and sunny and blue sky.
Went to the grave and put more red roses there and a big wicker heart with a single red rose through it. It is so flippin' obvious what I think of the person lying down there. There are red roses and hearts all over the place. Crazy woman! I didn't cry. I am not crying now. But so help me, I would give my life to be with my man again.
Went to the supermarket and thought 'Stuff it,' and bought a bottle of champagne which I cracked open with my lovely daughter this afternoon, and we both raised a glass to her Dad. (And I have had 3 more glasses since. Could get to like this!!!!!) After daughter left, I went and found some wedding photos, and picked out one to put in a new frame. And then bam, found a little picture of my man looking straight at the camera 34 years ago. God he was lovely. Young, and strong, blue-eyed, long fair hair and he could melt my heart with a glance. Looking like all the world was in front of him, and it was then. And such beautiful hands. And if I let myself, I could crumble and collapse and fall into a heaving weeping mess on the kitchen floor. Ah but Life is cruel. That a man should be felled by such a creeping, vile, invasive, hideous disease is unspeakably loathesome. (I hate cancer by the way.)
And even though our life together was full of challenges (more than I care to reveal here) and the difficulties of raising kids, work, family rubbish, previous first marriages for both of us, deaths of brothers, parents, etc etc .......even though I walked out on one occasion (and came back quickly) and came close to it at other times (and I guess he may have too)............ Despite all that, the best thing I ever did was to choose to live with my man and to cement that relationship 34 years ago today. I hope he knew that. I really hope he knew that. Because in the hospice, I had to make it easier for him by telling him I would be alright. How could I say what I knew - that I would fall apart, that Life would never be the same, that I couldn't live without him etc etc . How could I do that to a man who was fighting every centimetre to stay with us because he loved Life so much.
And so here I am. I AM trying to live without him and it is taking every nanometre of my very being to do that. But just for today, I want him to know that the best thing I ever did was to sign that piece of paper 34 years ago saying I would be his mate, through sickness and in health. And I want him to know I would go through all that horror in the hospice over and over again if I had to. Because I loved him.
And you know what? I still do. And I probably will forever. And noone is going to take that away from me.
So now you understand. Grief is the price you pay for loving someone.
Little Jen XX
PS And as for you cancer, I am here with all the warrior strength I can summon to tell you that you are NOT, no you NOT messing with my family or with me because we are going to survive because our man's strength has been passed to us.
