Ok deep breath and type slowly...in.. out.... aaaahhhh, sniff the pheromones (trying not to kill Shaz and Madge with exhaustion!)
So, you know I am a nutter by now and I know and despite being asked to join mensa as a child, I am really really stupid when it comes to me and me being superwoman/ etc and live on stupid cloud cookoo land when it comes to health and thinking I can do anything etc...and my brain makes really stupid assumptions.....so sometimes I need a slap and a reality check to actually get my head round things.... so this follows on from a thought at the end of yesterdays...
So feel free to send me a reality check comment at the bottom please..... unless of course I am right ha ha! (which I secretly think I am)
Firstly this is assuming Onc and scans etc are all going to say all is well... if he doesn't, then I am already prepared to sit around at home writing crap to you lot all day (bet you are praying its ok and not for that reason!!) so that's not a worry.....
Right,here's my thought process so far: with Reality Checks so far (RC)
I get diagnosed with anal cancer- I laugh in your face cancer I say... bring it on and I'll knock the bl**dy thing into next week.....
We think it has spread to lymphs and liver...Ok, so I'm going to die.. better have some fun.. hope I can go to Sweden again.. start planning funeral etc.
Both inconclusive- will keep an eye on them and keep scanning etc... Oh that's them ok then...I laugh in your face cancer....
(I still swing between these 2 of course )
Tell boss I will hopefully work through treatment and most of it will happen in the holidays so should only miss the odd couple of weeks and I might be ok to still go on school trip a couple of weeks after treatment..(road trip driving round eurpoe with 21 sixteen year olds in 2 minibuses and I'm a driver) can i let him know about that? I know, I know... you can see where this is going...
(RC haven't been to work since before Easter)
Go into hospital to have stoma operation... see you in 2 days P for my birthday- should be able to drive us out for the night if its not late....
RC- 6 days later I'm let home and can barely do anything and can't drive and have boring birthday in hospital.
Consultant looks at me as if bonkers when I say can I work through this and can I drive myself here...
RC- no you can't work and technically you might be able to drive for a bit if it were legal after your op, but you won't be able to sit down soon so might be a bit hard to get to the pedals when lying down on the back seat and please don't think of driving in when you get your picc put in! (he has a sense of humour thank goodness)
Friends offer to do a rota to drive me in the 90 mile round trip every day for 6 weeks of radiotherapy. Aw thanks, but probably won't need it much I say... maybe the last couple of weeks or if the chemo makes me too sick....
RC Friends drive me in every day and I love them!
Consultant says 2 months to start to feel ok, a year to feel relatively normal
My brain goes.. 2 months back to normal...
Can't sit, walk, eat or sleep, on morphine... wondering if I should cancel the conference I am meant to be going to in 3 days time.... as maybe I'll be ok enough by then to go....
RC cancel conference and me going on school trip...
on it goes...
only taking morphine at bed time and can walk down stairs not crawling.. and keep getting people saying 'oooh you look well' so I think they must be thinking I am well and should be back at work and will think I am a complete lightweight for not being there.... and tell P that I will be able to pack up the house while I'm sat around at home doing nothing...
RC friend tells me I'm being stupid and looking well is a relative statement and more of we are happy you are alive, not thinking you should be back at work
RC2 I go in for a few hours to say hi and sleep for 24 hours when I get home!
Radiologist- what are you doing about work she asks... oh its fine, I say, I'm a teacher so don't need to go back till Spetember so got the holidays..
RC have you thought of going part time? she says No I say thinking she is mad for even suggesting it.
RC out of breath taking cat to vets... book removal firm to pack house for us...
Think I willbe fine to drive 7 hours to Glasgow to see brother and to fly to Sweden
RC drive 2 hours to see son and have to stop 4 times on the way... friend tells me she will slash my tires if I even think about it... book train.
Still thinking I should be fine to go straight back to work in September full time- thats ages away isn't it?
RCas you know from yesterday... friend tells me I am insane and tells my boss (she knows him) and he starts talking phased returns this morning and I promise I will ask consultant next week what he thinks and I'm thinking he will say why aren't you back at work now?? (I know I know) but promise I will ask him all the same....
Right, all ok so far - got it in my head that maybe I am being over optimistic again ( I know I told you I'm a bit slow at this) and phased return sounds good....but then Sunny mentions in a comment on my blog that maybe starting 2 half days a week and building up from there would be good !!!!! and my idea of a phased return is mornings only for the first week, full days next week but no meetings and then full time by 3rd week!
RC ..... sort me out will you? Is it Sunny or me?
Thanks... icecreams seem popular so 99's waiting in the freezer and extra flakes for Shaz and Madge cos they need it to ge this far... coffees for those that prefer or pheromones.. whatever rocks your boat
ps cats are soooooo chilled out its freaky!
Lots of love and hugs
Little My
Little Myxxx
