I've been pondering over a few things lately. To sum up, I feel like I've lost my mojo since mum's diagnosis, safe to say all of us have to some extent.
I am fine, and feel like I am coping much better, but this big shadow hanging over us all does bring me down sometimes. I almost feel guilty for going out and having fun, and am on the edge of tears some days. Andy took me to the pub last night and we drifted into a discussion about the current situation and how we were all feeling, and the tears came. There were people we knew in the pub, so we made a discrete exit to go home. I was fine, just a bit emotional. I think it's what has put me off going out on my own because I'm not sure how I'm going to react to situations/comments.
So that got me to thinking, sometimes I feel like I want to wear a t-shirt or carry a sign which explains why I'm more emotionally fragile than normal without having to explain to everyone I see. If I'm not all bouncy and happy, that's why, so don't ask, or I might cry and it's not your fault.
On the other hand, explaining this situation can also be hard, because inevitably, it brings the mood down and people feel obliged to look understanding and say lots of lovely positive and supporting things. Sometimes, you just don't want to have to explain, but when someone says "Hi, how are you?", saying "fine" feels like a lie.
I guess the thing is just to judge each situation as we go along, and whether or not to bring up the fact that we are now dealing with cancer in the family, but it's not always easy, especially when all you want to do is hide away and try to deal with your emotions.
On that lovely positive note, mum eventually got discharged on Friday night (a little paperwork blip prevented Thursday discharge which put Colin into a spin because he convinced himself that it was medically related). They told her that they had been reducing her steroid dose at twice the normal rate, so were really pleased with her post-op progress which is great to hear.
The next step in the journey is the histology report which may arrive the middle of this week, but as with all of these steps, we'll deal with that when it happens.
In the meantime, I am trying to restore some normality to life. Andy is home, and back to work tomorrow, so our regular routine will hopefully kick in again and things will feel less disrupted. I think that mum is enjoying being back at home which is more normal, and not having to drive to the hospital every day will certainly help Colin and Adam.
Hoping to get up for a visit soon, but mum seems to be doing well.
