I received amazing support from my post about depression after remission. Most importantly I found that my feelings were 'normal' and shared by many of us who have experienced cancer and despite the 'no evidence of disease' still are left feeling anxious and at times very depressed.
I have been applying lots of thought from the advice and experiences of everyone and have tried to explain my situation to
my closest family, to explain why I have been unable to cope with their own grief and anxiety whilst trying to deal with my own with little support, other than friends and from here.
Today has been terrible - I arranged to meet my sister and very calmly explained my feelings, and how the verbal attack of one of her grown up children (because I have apparently not 'stepped in' as expected) has led to deep depression and anxiety attacks. She accused me of coming for a row and criticising her son and asked me to leave. The thing is, I had arranged to meet her on neutral territory, but when I visited my cousin this morning (as I had all week as his lymphoma had finally beaten him) he passed away while I was there, so I changed it to her house in case she became upset at the news.
I am feeling fairly numb now - I have as yet been unable to cry for my cousin, he had been in hospital for chemo at the same time as me last year and we have become a great comfort to each other. And I have had to explain to my daughter that it is likely we no longer have close family, but we do have uncles further away who we will visit.
So I have tried to do my best again, trying to make things up even when I have been the one wronged, and failed miserably. I have been unable to make her or them understand how it is after cancer, even in remission so they could understand that I have done my best to support her in her loss, whilst coping with my own grief and loss. I hope noone else judges me so badly, I am losing faith even in myself and wondering if maybe I have been at fault - but I can't remember a lot of this year in recovering my strength myself, and I am sure I have done my best.
FormerMember
Hey, Peachy, will stop beating yourself up? You're behaving as if it's all your fault. It is not your fault! Repeat after me, 'It is not my fault!' Let that be your mantra. A load of crap has fallen upon your head and no bugger is helping you to wipe it off. I think you're entitled to be very angry indeed.
Sorry about your cousin passing away but at least you had that time with him and were able to sit with him to help him on his way. That would knock the stuffing out of anybody - but you're already a bit run down and vulnerable. So just for the time being, try being a bit selfish. Look after yourself and let the rest of them take care of their own hassles for a change. And that includes your close family.
I think you should see your GP and ask for some counselling. An outsider can usually put things into perspective. And to hell with being patient and understanding with people - say what you feel and let out a bit of rage. Better out than in, my love. It might upset them but it might also make them think. Practise being a bolshy cow. You might even enjoy it. I do!
i really couldn't put what i feel any better than shelagh who has really summed up what i would like to say.
you have had a rotten time and I really feel for you but I think you must know that you must start putting yourself first .Why? Because you are worth it and you have been through enough, now take some Me time and assess what is Really important.
The other thing i wanted to say is remember we all support you on here and draw strength from that. I do.
I couldn't agree more with Shelagh and Izzy, it's time to say enough and catch your breath hun! It's time for YOU..i know how much we all want to be one big happy family but honestly how many people have it?
You have been through so much as have they....but remember YOU have had the added stress of being a cancer sufferer too, no-one has the right to judge you either. You are most certainly not the one to blame and cannot be held responsable for their insecurities.
I'm really sorry to hear that you have lost your cousin and wish i could give you a big hug......so here is a MASSIVE cyber ((((((((((HUG)))))))))). Please allow yourself to grieve and don't you dare feel guilty about spending time on you, you are the one who needs it and are worth it hun. We are always here for you xxxxxxxx
Allpeachy, KUDOS to you for making the grand effort with your sister! I'm so proud of you and now that you have made such a valiant effort with complete disregard for your own feelings and emotional safety, you can put this behind you. Its in her court now to make amends to you, if ever, down the road. Let it go! I'm so proud of you, its hard to express. Mostly, because it was bothering you and you wanted to do what you could to make it right and you did what you could. Communication is a two way street. Both parties have to be willing. She is clearly not and so you cannot force it and you made yourself available to repair it, but she is clearly not ready to do that. You take the high road now and expand your family to those who are on board with you. You threw her the life jacket and she didn't grab for it. You did your best.
I'm so so sorry about your cousin, but I am so touched that you were there with him. Well done. Now THAT IS what a family member and friend does. THAT is what is important. This other stuff is nonsense, aberrated and a total distraction on what you need to spend your attention and time on now.
So massive cyber hugs and kisses from me as well! Again, so proud of you. Just tell your daughter very little, except you tried and she is just not ready, but when she is, you will welcome the opportunity to repair it and let it be. She is so bright and wonderful and will totally get it and will have learned true strength and courage from her Mother that will serve her well in her life.
Again, KUDOS! Much love and admiration, Lori
PS Let me tell you what you HAVE DONE! Your original post I have referred to others at least 4x in the chat room. I have sent them the link to it and they have sent me PMs thanking me so much as that is how they were feeling and they are soooooo happy to find they are not alone. THAT IS WHAT YOU DID ALLPEACHY! You have touched many people deeply that you don't even know, just by sharing your own pain. YOU have made a HUGE difference. Take a bow!
Hi Peachy and please, please stop beating yourself up about this situation. You have lost a relative and friend, and you yourself are ill! I can only think that there are a lot of "crossed wires" conversations taking place between you and your family. Quite frankly, if you cannot rely on your own sister to understand and support you whilst you are going through this nightmare, then she does not belong in your life just now. How can you possibly meet with all their demands and still stay sane. I say tell 'em all to "naff" off!! I know, I know those are harsh words, but if they are so wrapped up in themselves and their petty squabbles, then they are hardly going to be of any benefit to you or your state of health.
Peachy you MUST now take care of yourself, deal with your bouts of depression (which are of course perfectly normal), but speak to a doctor or nurse about your feelings, and hopefully they can prescribe something to help you over this rough patch. Sit with your memories of your cousin for a wee while, and give yourself the luxury of shedding tears for his memory, then try to get your body and soul back together again. You cannot deal with all this upset and upheaval at such a difficult time of your life - so put yourself FIRST and get back in the pink, then if you feel like it, enter the battlefield which your family seems to be occupying at the moment, and tackle them - if you can be bothered! Personally, I'd stay well clear of the lot of them. Look after yourself peachy, hold on tight sweetheart, you'll get there. Don't despair, with love kate xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
