Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I just want to scream
I'm crying
I'm swearing
I'm literally tearing my my hair out
I'm alone in the house,because,well you can't do this in front of others ,oh no,because you've to be strong.What a load of shit.Im.bot strong ,in fact I'm sick of even pretending to be strong.
My dad he was fit and well ,ok he'd a heart issue,but hasn't everyone when they hit their late 70s,AF apparently,but it was controlled by pills and he was plodding on.Thats when the shit decided to hit the fan and fly.
A lump,just a small lump,nothing to worry over ,probably a lymph node but after two weeks and a few arguments dad finally decided to go to the GP.He gets referred under the two week cancer pathway to the ent people and we think lot of fuss over nothing ,but hey least they're being thorough.A scan and a needle biopsy or two later and we're sat in a room with half a dozen drs ,so you kinda know things are not good and the word CANCER is announced.Ehhh...cancer what you on about ,it can't be cancer he's fit and well but we heard right.
Dad has cancer of the parotid gland,they haven't a clue if it's primary or secondary all they know,or at least all they told us was it's cancer and you're going to need further tests.Mris,cts,x-rays,further MRIs and cts followed all with in less than two weeks.You just know when things move that fast in the NHS that it's because things are bad otherwise you're sat on a waiting list for six months just to get a MRI scan.So positive points are we weren't kept waiting....lucky us.
Were then informed it's poorly differentiated,and yes I googled that ,wish I'd not,then when I pushed for more answers we were informed that the gland contained squamous cells and they shouldn't be technically found in the gland...and yep I looked up all that too,in fact I spent all night on and off researching SSC in the parotid gland and none of it sounded great.
Skip forward because the stuff between then and going to see the surgeon four weeks later is just full of sleepless nights,my parents arguing due to the stress,me crying in private,then putting on my brave ,I'm strong act in front of them...oh and I ate ,I ate a lot ,comfort eating it was either that or booze.The surgeon was great ,explained what was going to happen,all the ins and outs all the pitfalls and side effects ,any questions,and you always always say no because you just can't think not in the moment.Afterwarda you think,you think.a lot especially in the night laying starring into space,googling life expectancy of a 79 year old man with parotid cancer ....
Next week it's the pre op assessment ,things are moving ,they've never stopped moving,all this has happened every stage ,every appointment in less than eight weeks .This is real this isn't a nightmare but it feels like one.
My dad has cancer
My. Dad. Has. Cancer
And I've to stay strong because it isn't me it's him and it's just bloody selfish to fall apart ,so I won't ,least not outside my own front room or bedroom.
