Ok, I'm here but so new to this, have thought about it so many times but scared of getting it wrong.
Why today? Well this would have been my Mum's birthday, she has long since passed but I've really missed her on this journey and today I find myself tearful over that loss. She was the one person who could tell if I was saying I was fine when really I wasn't and I'm sure would have guided me to ask all the relevant questions.
Driving home from work the other day listening to Simon and Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence, I thought that's it. Those nights where I would creep out of bed and sit downstairs alone in the dark, so as not to disturb my husband who needed his sleep if he was to work the next day, only to find in the morning he couldn't sleep because he was worried about me. The reason I couldn't sleep "the vision that was planted in my brain" of how I'd cope, how would I look without my breast or with my choice of reconstruction. Would people be able to tell either way? Would they treat me differently? "People hearing without listening", yep, came across a few of them, myself included.
Strangely the only thing I could remember with any clarity was my BCN saying "this isn't cancer " Words that would haunt me, to the point of requesting a copy of my notes. If it wasn't cancer then why was I having to have a mastectomy? The only question I asked "what about reconstruction" and guess what, like a lot of us here I went for the first one that was mentioned at screening. The only comment about my care was as the BC checked my back "if I can't have strattice reconstruction with implant then I'd rather have nothing" I didn't like the idea of LD Flap. Wish now someone had mentioned the possibility of DIEP.
I had been told I had DCIS in two areas and that it was too widespread for WLE. If I'd asked and listened I would have known that I had High Grade DCIS measuring 26mm and Intermediate DCIS measuring 9mm at a distance of 12mm apart both with comedo necrosis. I'm guessing the speed my rollercoaster took off was due to the fact that one of these areas had been detected in a previous screening but deemed to be normal tissue.
So I had my Mx SNB and strattice reconstruction and with a few hitches sailed through without the need for further treatment, albeit post surgery result showed that the total area of DCIS was 41mm. That's where Pinky and Perky (who remembers those loveable little pigs?) make an entrance. I know for now I do not want to have anymore surgery but I have clothes I won't wear anymore and lost count of the things I've bought and returned because I could see the difference.
Ok so I'm rambling through the tears, apologies if I've bored or upset anyone but I really needed for me to get this out.
Hugs and best wishes to you all on your own personal journey's, however you found yourself to be here.
