So into week 2 of RT we go, and after a brilliant weekend am now feeling a bit guilty. Am guilty of having to take so much time off work and others having to cover my desk. I am guilty of not being that poorly compared to others around me in the hospital (some who look really ill), and the online head and neck cancer community whose emails and blogs that I have access to now I am part of the 'gang' have troubles beyond my worst nightmares, I feel sorry for posting how well I am feeling and fear what could be coming my way both short and long term after hearing about such stories of woe. My thoughts and prayers are with all those who are suffering at this time. I feel guilty about not doing any real physical training apart from walking the dog now the docs have told me to ease back (stop) running (doing too much). Had a play with some weights yesterday, right shoulder now sore, so feeling guilty about that. I feel guilty for not shaving and looking like a tramp (it still hurts like mad when shaving right side of neck after operation - damaged nerve endings). Feeling guilty about eating like a fatty as I try to keep my weight up (two breakfasts yesterday: fried egg sarnies followed by bacon butties, then eating crisps, magnum ice creams, steak supper, custard pies!). I feel guilty about not offering enough time to my eldest son with his coursework, guilty about not getting on with my part time Masters coursework (had to freeze until next March), feel guilty about not being able to coach my judo classes and feel guilty about sliding off for a sleep, or watching a movie in the afternoon when I should be helping round the house. I feel guilty that christmas is not going to be the same for my family and I feel guilty for making my driver work through most of it (although he will be happy for the overtime!). I feel guilty about not doing Movember and that I still haven't got round to sponsoring my mates who have (this is on my thing to do list this week). Most of all though I feel guilty for putting my wife, Julie, through such emotional turmoil that has seen her signed off work until New Year now. We will remain strong together and be there for each other, but I feel guilty that as I get poorlier my support for her will naturally get weaker. I feel guilty she has to do all the driving, shopping, cooking and cleaning and running around; reminding me to gargle, clean my second belly button and enforcing me to slow down. She is one in ten million, and I am so glad she is looking after me over the next difficult weeks x. And so with all that off my chest I am going to have a relaxing radox bath, a big breakfast (cooked by Julie), smash out RT session number 6, come home, reward myself with a Magnum lolly, watch a movie and have a nap! Can't be letting my selfish guilt trips get me down too much, and knock me out of my routine now, can I? On and on...
