Well, just when i thought the weekend was done and dusted last night proved how unpredictable this battle and journey is going to be. With food completed by midnight, I dosed up on Painkillers and was ready for a reasonable nights sleep. How naive of me to think I was getting on top of things. The cancer decided to make another stand, it knows it is almost defeated, eradicated, destroyed but will just not give up, just yet. And so started the most painful 8 hours I have had to endure yet. Skip next paragraph now if you don't want to read about my pain (I know it is hard for some, but I hope by sharing this with people who still have to go through it, that it will manage their expectations - I never thought it would get this bad with so long still to go).
Double doses of pain relief would give the odd hour respite but the rest of the night was horrible to put it mildly. To try and explain the feeling for those who have not been through it. Week 1 was like someone had forced an old smelly flip flop into my mouth, and that is all i have been able to taste since then. Week 2 and a few needles were added each time I swallowed, with slight ulceration of the tongue. Week 3 was when things got much worse, more needles to swallow, some hot needles and very difficult to get any solids down due to ulceration at back of throat as well. Last week (week 4) it seemed as though i was constantly being strangled by invisible hands just to add to the discomfort. And last night, remember the old flip flop from week one, well he has now been boiled internally by the radiation, he has been bubbling away in mucus and rubbing alongside the ulcers having a great time. Well last night he decided to self combust. No flames I grant you but the whole of my mouth and throat were burning like never before. The smallest sip of cold water was hot before it reached the back of my throat and every swallow was agony. Whilst I would normally stay in bed to grab an extra 40 winks I was up this morning as soon as I could (before 7am). Carried out all Meds and had a bath which has eased pain somewhat. Have now got to try and force some food into me and then hit the morphine before the trip to hospital (but that will make me feel sick so I might put that off until I get home later this afternoon).
So, with 2 weeks treatment to go (and then 3-4 weeks after of my cells repairing themselves in a cancer free body) I continue to experience some low lows. The thought of how much worse this can possibly get before it gets better worries me, but I live in the hope that everyone is different and every day/night that I can get through is a step closer to beating this thing. I will try to be a little more positive tomorrow.
Unfortunately visits will be a no go until after New Year now, unless less than 20 mins. a. I am just not in the mood, b. I get tired very quickly, c. my throat is dry and sore so I can t say too much, d. I don't want to spoil peoples' Christmases.
