You tell him what the GP told you.
The saying 'the bigger they are, the harder they fall' has never rang so true. D's my big lovely, the single most important thing in the world. Just him being around me lifts me. His is the most awesome hug in the world, those big strong arms that shelter me from anything that life chucks at me, transporting me into a world where everything is better.
It broke my heart in two having to tell him. It shattered the pieces when he broke down, blaming himself (yeah, I know... he blames himself ?!!?!?!) saying he's killed me. How do you deal with that?
In my heart, I know I'm probably the strong one of the two of us. I am actually more worried about him, then I am about myself. I kinda feel I have to get him through this, rather than the other way round.
I don't want him to feel he has to be strong for me. I would sooner he cries in front of me, rather than feel he has to hide his fears. Does that make me the worst hypocrite ever?
Add to his guilt, the fact that he can't get time off work to come with me to my hospital appointments. In all honesty, I'm ok with facing them on my own. I've always been a very independent person, who, to be honest, doesn't really like people knowing the ins and outs of my deepest darkest pains.
(Oh, the irony... Bless this anonymous faceless internet thing... I'd never even thought of writing a blog before... Something tells me there's not enough bandwidth out there to say all the stuff I wanna say! Once I get talking, there's no stopping me!)
But I worry that he's worrying about me. Going through the visits, I know how and what tests are being done, I'm being comforted by the nurses, I get it explained to me one step at a time. He is left to imagine how terrible it is.
In fact, I gave him the abridged version when I told him about the lump. I didn't have it in me to mention Radiotherapy as one of the possible treatments the GP mentioned. I didn't even consider the chance of needing Chemotherapy... That makes it all a bit too real and, well, cancerish. Still now, I've not had the guts to even say the C word to him.
I'm banking on surgery...Just a quick snip to chop the bad thing out of our lives. I'll get over it, we'll grow closer as a couple and look back on this period and be proud of ourselves for getting over it. Bish bosh, job done.
I'm sure I'm still in denial over this whole process... Each step forward, each time it gets a bit scarier and more real, I still tell myself it's not going to be that bad... I'll be fine.
Each new step, I try and find out exactly what sort of tests I'm going to go through... then I sneak a peek on the NHS website to see a few stages further along the line... I tell myself I'm facing my fears. I think I'm really trying to tell my body to behave itself, and pick a path out that I want it to follow.
Next step - Colposcopy clinic. That's ok, I tell myself, there's still room for it not being cancer. Just a lump they need to have a closer look at.
All part of the service.
FormerMember
I think it is worse for the partner than for the patient for the reasons you have outlined. Cancer is nobody's fault. Not even his. Can he come with you to the surgeon? the oncologist? If he says he'll come if you need him, then you need him. You need him to hear it from the mouth of the clinician. Then it's clinical and not you telling him.
Deal with one thing at a time. The next thing to do. In between, go out, enjoy yourselves. I know it's raining, but macs and wellies can be fun. In the woods it's not too bad and birds sing in the rain.
Look at people. Yes, that pretty woman in the bus shelter. She had cancer, radio and chemo and she is getting on with her life. There are thousands of healthy people walking around who had cancer and got over it. I know someone who has had it twice and is fit as a fiddle now.
You do what you have to do, and as you say, bish bosh it's done. You might have to include Chemo, but it is still just bish bosh and its done. But it needs patience to come through it. My beautiful man stops me overdoing things.
I appreciate your comments and positive thoughts. I'm really glad you have a rock of strength behind you too!
I'd love it if my partner he came with me for the results, for his sake. I think he needs reassurances that I'm simply not qualified to give him.
But I'm not sure about him getting the time off work. I know it seems awful; there's no choice to be made - supporting his girlie, or doing a day's work.
But apart from the loss of wages, (crass, I know) I get the feeling that's him feeling he's helping - by being the big strong breadwinner. I have told him he doesn't need to be strong for my sake, but I think he'd sooner be of practical help. Plus it helps take his mind of the worry when he's doing his 'man work' as he calls it! (Steelworker, building stages and event arenas).
As soon as I get the date, I will gently broach the subject. Secretly, I desparately want him with me. I just daren't tell him this, in case he really can't be there. I can't add to his guilt(albeit unfounded, I know, but I don't want to belittle it) and I would sooner face it alone if I have to.
I know he feels helpless, he's said as much, and I said all I want is for him to be himself, and tell me his fears. It makes me feel stronger when comforting him, in a weird kind of way.
I'm a very positive person, and see that at the end of this process, we will be so much stronger as a couple. There's not a lot else we'll have to face that'll be scarier, eh?!!
He sounds a bit scared to me. And with good reason. A serious illness that you don't know the extent of is pretty frightening. For both of you.
Even with his job, surely he is entitled to a few days leave. Half a day should do it. This is to you. Saying you will feel braver if he is there, even if you are strong and brave will go straight to the centre, and make him feel brave enough to defend you. He sounds very macho, and it should do the trick. Not that it is a trick, it is being honest with him.
Everything you have said strikes a total chord.. And yes, he is a big macho kinda guy, but he knows that I know he's a big pussycat really!
I should encourage him to come with me for the MDT, and let him know how much I do actually depend on him, probably more than he realises...
(I've got the date of the meeting now - a week today, gives him notice to be able to take the day off)
And I totally get what you mean, it's not a trick.. it's a minefield of pain... wanting to protect the one you love, while being honest with him.. and with oneself!
