Colposcopy.. and facing The C Word for the first time

People have their issues with the NHS, but I have to say, my experience so far has been really positive. It was exactly a week from the time of That Smear, to the next appointment. The nurses were not just lovely, but the most amazingly understanding angels I have ever met. I swear, when this process is over, I'm going to write the kindest, longest letter the NHS has ever received, saying how wonderful the nurses at the Royal Berkshire Hospital in Reading have been. I did ok in the week between appointments, just about. D was more nervous than I was about the next test. He did stay out quite late a few times. Yeah , of course I was worried as to where he was, but as soon as he got back, he'd said he had to hang around waiting for his boss.. etc, all things that were actually semi true. He did hide his worry quite well.. for a few days... Then he admitted his fears, and that he didn't really know how to relate to me... We cried for a long while. In fact, he cried for longer than I did. I had to stop myself getting impatient - what a bitch. Every woman's dream, of a super sensitive man and I just wanted be able to cheer him up. I was still telling myself, just a deeper look, a lot of fuss, but will be nothing serious... I was ok on my way to the appointment... until I turned the corner into Craven Road, where the hospital entrance is. The tears streamed, totally uncontrollably. That's when it hit me, I was going to hospital. I was going into hospital to get tests done... that meant it was more serious than just going to the doctor's. Hospitals are for people who are actually ill, not just suffering a bit of a cold. I'd never been what you call a sickly child, I'd only ever been to A+E after a couple of mishaps (one with a flying glass when I worked behind the bar, the other for breaking my toe moving out of an evil thief of an ex-boyfriends' flat. Bastard. Karma wasn't smiling on me that day!). Anyhow, Hospital wasn't really in my vocabulary. I can't lie, the examination wasn't pleasant. Awkward, cold n smelly. But, nurses Hayley and Beth were great at keeping me talking to distract me from the ultrasound looking screen and what was happening 'down there'(to be fair, not that I need a lot of encouragement to talk.. I do tend to jibber, just in case you've not noticed). And then came the moment.. I had to ask the Consultant what the indications were... I had to know if it wasn't looking good... All of a sudden, at that second, I knew it wasn't going to be good news. Yup, it was highly suspicious of cancer. And with that, the bottom dropped out of my world.