They tried to make me go to radiotherapy. I said no! No! No!
In the weeks following my bilateral breast surgery, I waited to find out the verdict. Had the surgery managed to remove all of the cancer? Was there any spread to my lymph nodes? Had it spread beyond my lymph nodes? Would I need more surgery?
So many questions and so much uncertainty. Along with a whole lot of fear.
In the intervening weeks, amongst all this worry and concern. Strangely, there was also a reprieve. A reprieve from the regular hospital appointments, which up until this point, had all been pretty doom laden. Yet, I knew that this reprieve would be short-lived, soon, it would all start up again.
I found during this calm time, I had a lot of time to think. I thought about all that had happened in the past few months.
I thought of my horror when the surgeon first suggested that I may not be able to keep my left nipple, then my desperately sad realisation, that I wouldn’t be able to keep my left breast. Then further news that my right breast was also not safe, there was cancer there too.
My body had been invaded and attacked by cancer, in my most intimate, womanly places. It would never be the same again. I would never be the same again.
I found myself thinking about the lobular cancer that was discovered in my right breast. I thought of how it had been missed by mammogram and scan. I thought of future screening and how I might feel. Would I be able to trust the process? How could I know that I was really all clear? What if the lobular cancer returned but remained undetected?
As I waited for the post op histology report and my Oncotype DX Score. I began to consider my options. What did I really want for ME? How might I secure myself? Things had been feeling so out of control, could I regain some control? Make choices that suited me?
I decided that I would have a right mastectomy too. This would free me from: the worry and fear of another breast cancer missed; from the risk of further side effects from radiotherapy; from the struggle of trying to match a prosthesis to my remaining breast, give me a sense of choosing what's right for me.
I understand that having a double mastectomy doesn't free me from potential recurrence. But what it does do is highlight my right to make choices about my body, it restores a modicum of my agency, in this turbulent world. It gives me some peace.
