This thing is so all-encompassing, so overwhelming, that I sometimes wonder if this where my story begins. Yet I know it isn't, cause I'm 59. I had a life before this diagnosis, before breast cancer.
It was a happy life. A life I'd fought for and forged from the ashes of my chronic despair.
In Jan 2024, I was a happy woman. I had been enjoying a renaissance of my youth for a few years. I was in a new and happy relationship with a lovely man, my happiest ever. My self-employed work as a counsellor-psychotherapist was going well. My relationships with my adult children were in a good place. I had a thriving social life. I was so looking forward to the future. I had recently decided to move to the Essex coast and make real my dream of living near the sea.
You may wonder what ailed me, feel curious about the cause of my unhappiness...
Well, I'm going to tell you. I am a survivor of childhood trauma.
I was the third, last and surprise child born to middle aged parents. I was cosetted, spoiled and indulged by my parents and older sister from the day of my birth.
When I was aged 10, I was taken to live with extended family in another country. I remained there for 5yrs. For five long years, I was neglected, abused and left unprotected. The innocent, fun loving child, slowly disappeared. In her place came a broken hearted, non-trusting girl who was dead inside. Her heart may as well have been made of stone.
I was reunited with my parents and siblings aged 15.
But that trauma clung to me, to every cell of my being, throughout my pre-teens, youth and adulthood. Though to the outside world, I appeared to be living a normal life. My childhood trauma had welded itself deep into my DNA, it blocked my joy and stopped me from fully participating in life.
Yet, there was a part of me that always knew there must be more. Surely I could experience happiness? I sought out Psychotherapy, many years in the client's chair led to me finally understanding my past.
I distinctly remember having a conversation with my therapist where I struggled to describe the strange feeling I'd been experiencing. It turned out that feeling was happiness! It had finally returned after a 3+ decade hiatus. I was by then well into my 40s
One of the ways that trauma manifested in my life was in my struggle to take care of myself. It seems that the prolonged neglect I experienced as a child, meant I did not have a model of self care. As I became happier, I did better but things like health maintenance were still a challenge.
When I decided in the summer of 2023 to see my GP about issues with my chest, I felt quite proud of myself. In years gone by, I would have lived with the discomfort. I felt even prouder of myself when I responded to the mammogram invitation in December 2023, and followed through with the appointment in January 2024.
Even though not perfect, I am grateful that I've been able to make these changes. Otherwise, I might have found myself to be one of the 22% of Black Women being initially diagnosed and finding themselves already with stage 3 or 4 breast cancer...
More on this in another post.
I am grateful too, that even though I am still processing and dealing with this world of cancer treatment, my emotional baseline is happy. After a bad day or a difficult week, this is the point I return to.
I can't imagine how I would have dealt with a diagnosis like this when I was in the emotional wilderness, when my baseline was deep despair.
Happy Days!
