It's one week since I finished radiotherapy. The 'nearly' final part to my bilateral breast cancer treatment. I will have a further elective mastectomy later this year.
In the meantime, I guess I am kind of entering the post treatment phase.
So, what to do?
Life before cancer consisted of full-time self employment as a Psychotherapist. I had a very full caseload and I worked hard and at the weekends, I played and partied. My grandson would visit regularly and we'd have fun together. I was enjoying my life, hugely.
I had a long standing plan to downsize and move out of London. I planned on reducing my housing costs through the process and therefore be able to work much less and relax more.
After months of not working at all and now with much reduced working hours. I find myself no longer having the luxury of choice about whether to downsize. I must.
This past year has been financially devastating.
So, I have sold my home of 30 + years, where my children grew up. I have found a quirky garden flat near the coast. In the coming weeks, I will be making the move.
I call my new home 'Sanctuary'. I guess that is what I feel in need of. A place to feel safe and protected. Where I can think, plan, heal and rebuild.
I've never been much into interior design. And have had a fairly haphazard approach. Now, I feel the urge to really create a nurturing space, filled with colours, textures and things which soothe me. Whilst I don't fully know what these things are yet, I am looking forward to finding out.
I currently find it hard to imagine the future. It feels as if all my plans and visions have been knocked off kilter, even obliterated. I look in the mirror, I don't recognise myself, I wake up in the morning, I don't know what I'm doing. My body is visibly changed in ways I'd never have chosen and also feels different, as I continue to live with challenging side effects of treatment. Who am I? Now.
Thoughts of my Sanctuary sustain me. They are like a distant beacon of light on a densly foggy night.
