i've had a rough up and down few months ,mentally i was keeping everything in order , booked a holiday so you see i was looking forward . i had a fairly good check up with the oncologist in april and was given 2 mri's, liver and pelvis ,so that was ok as i sat and waited forever for the results ,it was brilliant , no sign of the cancer coming back , between this mri and my next check in july they had decided to show me the mri's it said .....
4 to 6 lesions on my liver getting increasingly bigger----so for that they need the urgent mri to see if there any bigger than aprils one.
he also took a biopsy because he says the scar tissue looks weird?
and an urgent mri on my bladder that is causing me so much pain .at this point i should say my dad passed away a few weeks ago .i thought if i gave you a short history on me the maybe some one else feels like me.
since all this has happened i have stopped being the person i was........i can see my boyfriend trying so hard to get the old me back .i don't seem to have any tolourence or patience for anyone and no one knows how it feels to be me which makes it worse. i'm not sure if i have to change or people have to change around me . personally i think cancer has moulded out a new me ..like it or lump it BUT i'm worried that if i don't change i will lose everything that matters.
another thing that bothers me is that i spoke to my oncologist nurse last week ..the same one who rang me with the all clear back in november. i was gently ..very gently asking if i need to be alarmed by all this new testing etc. if i have to prepare myself for it coming back . her answer was that because of its nature ( small cell ) i will always have to be preparing myself for it coming back . is this why they won't put me in remission i wonder?i don't know how the 'new me' will handle never being in remission.
i've had 3 hospital appointments lately and i've managed to persuade my partner not to come in ( various excuses) this is because i don't think he has any idea of how i'm feeling so i want to shut him out , quite literally! this doesn't help though as it just makes me feel more alone ..not sure how to let him back in though.
oh hum ..well i'll let you know how i get on with all these tests , thanks for listening to me moan!
sam
FormerMember
Of course you are still you, babe. Just that circumstanceshave changed. Take each day as it comes - good or bad. The non cancers just don't know how to deal with us - it's really no big deal. They don't know. We have the answers. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and come out fighting!
Yep, know exactly how you feel, I finished chemo in may and had CT scan in june, was told that there was no evidence of disease, when i spoke to my onc, they said that that was as good as it gets- so basically I will spend my life going from scan to scan- hoping!
I find it odd the way people respond to me, am single, so no hassle/ support from a partner, but my best friend has been a rock, taking me to chemo, looking after me when I was down or ill, but even she seems to think that its all over now, people at work expect it all to be ok now because chemo is done and I am back at work.
Talking to friends with oc, they said its normal to be lost, as you can never go back to who you were before the dreaded cancer, but its still hard trying to come to terms with what might or might not happen.
A book I read likened it to having diabetes, its a condition you have to live with, you know what you have to look out for, but you still have a life to live in the meantime.
I have just booked a holiday for feb, so, like you, am looking forward, but after a big mess up in jan- where i had to claim on insurance as I was due to fly out to cuba on day 1 of chemo - I have paid the deposit only, and the rest of the money will go into a savings account until it has to be paid- and I get the ok from the oncologist.
Its hard trying to be 'normal' - I class it as New normal now!
Interesting reading .My ca 125 is rising, so I'm not ok.The CT scan was clear , so I am ok.Feel fine physically so i must be ok. Mentally and emotionally, not sure whether I'm ok or not, very up and down.
No wonder people don't know how to react, I don,t know either.
have been told am no longer in remission but not yet needing treatment.Am ridiculously happy that I don't need more chemo at the moment., and don't need another scan/blood test/clinic visit til November.
Mostly happy on a day to day basis, but something is missing.....the future has become a scary place, which I don't like to think about.
I know what you mean about the emotional rollercoaster on a daily basis, the marsden hosp site has some excellent info about ' after treatment' and can reccomend it totally, with some tips for helping yourself to become more rational about your thoughts etc, along with questions you want to ask, but either like me you forget to or feel silly asking them!
