not sure where to start on this one , just feel the need to play catch up, so here goes .....try and stay awake!
i had my last ct , and 2 mri done about 8 weeks ago , it took what seemed like forever to get the results back , i think i was quite spoilt before with getting my results back in under a week . anyway after 4 weeks they phoned to say that the results were all clear no sign of cancer. i'm not really sure how to take this news , at first i was ecstatic , my first clear MRI since diagnosis a year ago , can't get much better than that. but with my type of small cell cancer reaccurance is likely and so i do feel that its just a waiting a game .also i'm still in quite a lot of pain with my urinary tract and stomach ache , so this doesn't really explain that . i'm still at the stage ( if it ever goes ) of thinking that every ache and pain is the cancer coming back, also not many people survive , i mean properly survive small cell cervical so I'm wondering why me , maybe a little survivors guilt , its working i feel crap
when i was having chemo i received dla high rate for mobility low rate for care this was given to me for just under a year , the reasoning being i will either be dead or better so a review would be needed! so here's me filling in the forms with a million more gripes than when i had chemo , trouble climbing stairs , can't walk far , numbness in my fingertips mean i can't cook for myself or the kids ( and i also make loads of typo errors lol ), can't drink alcohol have to be near a loo because holding on is so painful, and i get dla for the next 5 years ( they think i will here that long) and they gave my high rate mobility and mid rate care. i was happy to get it because it does help get the blue badge for the car etc but i never expected to be given the all clear yet still be living this limbo.
i thought about going back to work , but i don't have the confidence anymore my life has been so wrapped at maidstone hospital.
and the thing is i actually miss it . when i was there i knew i was being looked after now they let me go 3 months at a time
and i can;t wait to get back....security blanket i
right this next one rears off a bit but it does matter to me
my dear darling father passed away last week a week today in fact. my mother passed from cancer a few years ago
it has hit me hard i'm still fooling my self that he's still on holiday and he'll be be back soon....that i'll phone him when he gets back. with all my talks with my dad about the cancer i always kept him from the real truth in case it upset him too much
i told him when i was feeling better even when i wsn't.all the days through chemo i always wanted to die before my dad so that he wouldn't be too upset. so i did it for you dad i stayed strong.
my family are a really complicated unit and there are sibling etc that i havn't seen or spoken to in years i think with out the central support of my dad the the whole family could disintegrate , and that frightens me a little because i have children who want to know my family but hasn;t. and know seems like a good time to show the that the have other family ......just in case anything happens to me .i don't have two chances at this , i;ve had one chance so the next time is go
but then to round this up nicely -- i was very lucky to see dr gaul and the excellent team at the maidstone in ultra quick time too
i was lucky there wa no spread
i was lucky my scans came back ok
i was lucky to have the best dad a little girl could wish for , ill miss his big hands, his cuddly belly, his silly jokes and the way he used to say he loved me when we left each other. i love the way he used to take me to work with him,,and how used to watch the same tv together......
i didn't deserve not just cancer but the aggressive b*****d that will probably kill me
my mum didn't deserve cancer she fought it hard but it came back B******d
and i didn't deserve to lose such a wonderful dad
