and wake me from this nightmare :(
today i went to see the surgens , news isn't good , yes the cancer is back for the 3rd time confirmed by pet scan today , the also shows it hasn't spread ....
they want to get me in on the 29th for removal of the bladder and vagina and maybe removal of the bowel depending on the scar tissue ..he said i had a 1 in 5 chance of this working ..if it doesn't then it will all happen very quickly and i may never leave hospital ..if i don't have the operation again my time will be limited .
i will have a ct 2 days before surgery to make sure it hasn't spread , he could also open me up and decide not to go ahead because of previous damage .
so this is it , i've dreamt /layed awake at night thinking about this day and its all so very surreal, before when i've spoken to consultants they've spoken of a cure and today iit was just about quality of life .
i have to go back next week to see the urologist and measure up for bags ..
how do i do this ? i just feel like holding my breath and stopping ..just stopping .all i want is to be able to watch my little boys grow to big men and it very much looks like i won't see another xmas ..i'm so very afraid and just don't know how to go on ..i never ever thought this day would come that i have to weigh up how many days i have left its all so unfair .. have to sit down tonight and tell the children ...please friends give me strength xx
