letting my guard down

i had my check up today , brought forward due to feeling quite poorly lately. i've had kidney pains that won't shift and unexplained tierdness and loss of appetite.so saw my oncologist and he thinks the whole thing sounds a bit iffy so i've got to have bloods done and ct and mri the whole caboodle before xmas i was quite adament i would live my life month by month not getting too excited about things ' incase it came back'. then come the new year ,new start and all that i actually started planning things , . a few weeks ago i was going to put a deposit down on a holiday for me and the kids in the summer. so today i don't really feel frightened of what the results might be , i just feel a little foolish for letting my guard down and actually think my life could get back to some sort of normality. so now its anouther round of tests and waiting , just when i thought i might be able to breathe again.