i've been feeling a bit wierd the past few months , i think in a good way . physically been feeling like crap , lots of stuff i know was on my tick list when i had my last onc visit, that i have just pushed aside because ...i really don't want to do it anymore . i'm so confused what aches and pains do i put down to radio damage and which is alarm bells ? i just don't know and i'm just too busy being a mum , being a girlfriend and enjoying stuff if something is wrong i don't want it interupted . and lets face it mine is a recurrant cancer ,its come back before it will again , i've never been very good at waiting and i don't like it now.
the wierd bit mentally is a bit strange ..my relationship with outsiders ( non cancer people) has just got worse and worse to a point i just don't know how to communicate with them ! i lost my dad a year ago and my mum 10 years ago and i feel like they were the only ones who understood me and they arn't here .i'm a catholic girl and believe there is a life after death so i'm hoping when all this crap is over i can be back with my parents , and i think this is why i feel like i feel today and everyday lately ..i'm just not fazed .i had my mri last week and everybody is fussing and asking if i'm ok , but i felt a strange calm when i walked in there because i'm not that worried about the result , what will be will be and as this type of cancer is recurrant if its not this time then it will be the next or the next .
its not a bad thing i feel good and relaxed and not by all means ready to give up but ready to face whatever is meant to be . and i already have the answer if they offer more treatment ...a big fat no with a cherry on the top.
