oh gosh i've got myself into a state again and i don't see my mcmillian nurse till friday so i'm afraid i've got to dump it all here.
after the post chemo euphoria and surgery ( bad but not too bad ) , i came crashing way back down this morning. sometimes i wake and i have butterflies in my tummy today was one of those days. i've been nagging the hospital for my hrt but after promises of call backs but none i decided to fear the worst , i.e there is no point in giving me hrt if i'm going to croak it anytime soon. anyway blubbed to my boyfriend he rang the hospital who apologised profusly and got my hrt. managed most of the day to tame those butterflies then over tea my 7 year started getting upset.he's started seeing a counseller at school so is being much more open with his feelings! so i say whats up? i'm scared your going to die , i'm scared that your poorly tummy will make you die. fortunatly i managed to calm him down assure him the surgens fixed mummys tum and i would be ok.
so all evening i've been feely sick, sick with worry. i hate not knowing what the future holds and cancer takes away all that.i've been hanging quite litarelly on the words ' we will cure you ' which i've heard from day 1 , but then i read on someone elses blog that a cure just means 5 years is this true? if it is i don't know how i'd cope with that i'm scared of how i'd cope with that. and even if i go into remission , whatever that means i'm not really very clued up , then the cancer could still come back . its probably very unlikely that i would catch an aggressive cancer aged 35 they cure me send me into remission and i live to good age of 80 next to my partner and my kids.so the butterflies are still there which don't bode well for tomorrow .
innbtween all the doom and gloom i have spent far too much on the kids for xmas and probably won't stop spending till xmas eve just so i can compensate the kids for what a horrible crappy year we've had.
i'm waiting for the results of the operation which i;ve been told will take a while because its a big case ,they have to check it at maidstone then check it again the marsden. is it me or is the waiting bit thats always send us into turmoil!
FormerMember
Oh Sammie,
Sorry to read you are having such a tough time. It's the one step forward, two steps back that is so frustrating isnt it? I hope you plan to ask all the questions when you see your McMillan nurse on Friday, problem is that we can never get specific answers can we and just have to keep going forward. Everyone's case is different and you have shown such courage.
Trust kids to pull at our heart strings, we can usually hold it all together until they get upset.
Try not to worry about spending too much for Christmas, if it makes you feel good right now, you deserve some fun for a change.
Please come and chat with your friends, we have been missing you so much You can dump your feelings as much as you want.
Poor you I think you have had a horrible time havent you. At least the HRT will be helping to settle things down for you. Its a shame they did'nt get their finger out and give it to you when you should have had it though right at the beginning. :o( I know where you are comming from re the kids and their questions Sammie - PM me anytime you need to and if I can help I will. As for your questions about remission etc I am not sure for your cancer - why dont you ring up the helpline here and speak to Amy or Sue on 0808 0800 1234 - for free and see what they say - they are the experts after all. Yes it is the lack of knowledge which makes us scared because we feel we have no control over what is hapening to us - I have always said that knowledge is power. Give yourself a break Sammie - you have had a tough time with all of this treatment and having a young family to look after too - you have done really really well hun, dont be hard on yourself - be proud for having got this far - youve completed two major types of treatment - well done!!! Love, hugs and best wishes, Jools x
Have you got a hobby? Maybe some embroidery or knitting socks could be the key. Turning heels is just as frightening as Cancer and is cured as soon as you've done it. Your head tells you you are on the mend. Listen to that. People don't give you good news for nothing.
This 5 year thing is just that they don't promise that you will be free of cancer for 5 years. They monitor you for 5 years, because if it is going to come back, it won't mess about. It will come again fairly soon. If after 5 years remission and scans etc, you are still clear of cancer, your chances are that much better that you are no more likely to have cancer than the woman next door. I mean the healthy one on the other side!
I was sort of joking about a hobby. But you do need something absorbing to take your mind off it. Everything moves on, and even your mother if she had her cancer now would have had a much better chance than back then. You had the sense to get diagnosed in time, and your chances are excellent. So now, enjoy your family and have a happy life. OK, make a fuss of them at Christmas, but too much spoiling isn't good for them, so warn them their birthday presents will not be quite as munificent. Have a wonderful Christmas and relax. The nightmare is over. It's morning now! Of course you will have checks on your condition, so nothing can take you or your medics by surprise, so forget it but remember the appointments.
Aw Poor you hun big ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Its such a crap time for you, thank god you have us to unload onto. Come scream at us as much as you like.
I can assure you that you are not the only one with these roller coaster emotions. Most of us are just the same. One day we can cope with it all, the next we have a little time to think about the consequences and reality hits you straight between the eyes. Even worse for you with your little chap having these thoughts as well. Don't try to carry all this alone. Do seek some professional help. With Christmas coming up you are going to run yourself ragged trying to make everything wonderful for the family. You need some comfort time as well.
Talking to a nurse or councillor may help im sure. But in the mean time keep talking to us.
Lots of love and ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Debbie and Robbie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sorry you're feeling down. I guess the worst times are the waiting times, and the times when some treatment has finished and you start to think. You've got both to deal with. Unusually I think I agree with Ruth - a "project" to take your mind off it might help. I'm off work at the moment and have been busy decorating the kids bedrooms. And of course planning how to make Xmas a happy time. Not sure about socks.. Feeling down at this time is quite normal. I get quite anxious and can't concentrate on anything really relaxing, but having something mundane to work on helps.
