into my 6 week of chemo and should be having my 3rd dose next week . i suffer from bouts of depression anyway . but i don't think what i'm feeling is , i think its self pity! which i think is worse. the second dose has been rough today at the last count i had 9 mouth ulcers ,which are horrific just started getting my appetite back and i can'teat, i;ve also had a temperature of 100 today which i don't think is good .
i'm fairly pessimistic about the whole thing i think they should have done surgery 1st not chemo and i'm more than sure that when they do another mri when chemo's over that this fast spreading type of cancer would of spread. despite reasurances i can't shake the feeling!
i'm shocked by my level of self pity ( something else i can't shake )
the good old british weather is doing its trick pretty much raining all the time , meaning my kids can't go out to play and my boyfriend gets soaked everytime he goes out running errands for me, and guess what i'm glad, i'm glad because my summer is messed up so why shouldn't everybody elses!
and i can't get rid of that self pity and selfishness.and that frightens me !
i also suffer from headaches 24/7 no end no beginning just costant headaches which nobody can explain specialist thinks its migraine gp thinks its the chemo, so while they are arguing about what it is and how to treat , i end up screaming at my kids if they so much as sing because it sound like drills in my head.
so cancer/chemo has taken the mother although temporarily i hop,away from them. my 7 year old is disgusted that i've lost my hair and my youngest 4 says he just wants his old mummy back.
i just want his old mummy back too not this self obsorbed one.
FormerMember
It doesn't sound like you have much faith at all in the treatment you are having, and that you are suffering some horrible side-effects: I'm not surprised this is making you feel very upset and angry (think that's what all the shouting is about, not really AT the kids but at your situation). What you say about the weather is also true - as it's like autumn glided straight in after the late spring ended, and anyone suffering from Seasonal Affected Disorder isn't getting much relief now.
Self-pity isn't terribly surprising either given all the things that you are suffering from - not only the cancer but the side-effects. I think most of us has felt why me? periodically from diagnosis onwards. I hope that writing this blog has exorcised it a bit. Are you getting enough support - both help with everyday things, and also emotionally? Hope you start to recover from the ulcers, and to feel you can tackle this thing - don't give in to it! xxx Penny
I hope you don't find this unsympathetic, but it might help.
Your oncologist wouldn't be giving you chemo if she/he thought you should have the cancer removed first. Honestly, people who have had it in that order often feel a lot of relief to note that the tumour has stopped growing, or has even shrunk, which is what the Chemo is for. Trust the medic. It is hard but do it, then worry about it afterwards.
Get something for the mouth ulcers. If Rinstead pastilles don't work, you might need something stronger. Drink as much as you can, preferably water but tea and coffee is fine. Grapefruit juice may inhibit the action of the chemo. Or so it said on the Cancer Backup screed, which you can download and print for your particular regime of Chemo. (I had 5FU Flourouracil)
The other part is to find a mackintosh, wellies, brolly and go out in the rain. It is not all that bad, just wet. Whatever light is around will reach you, and you may find that it isn't raining all the time after all. Try and walk for 15 minutes a day. Take the kids, they will enjoy being with you.
Find a park bench if you are on your own, and worry about your cancer growing, not shrinking for five minutes. I have managed 3 minutes, tops so far. The gremlins hate it if you give them your full attention. They run screaming into the dark where they belong, and they are too hurt to come back for at least 24 hours.
Your hair will grow back again after the chemo is finished. We all have to be patient in this life for anything that is worth having.
You don't have to carry this on your own, because you have hundreds of people, maybe thousands all ready to support you in your fight against this stranger that has blocked you off from the people you love.
Hello, it sounds as though things are really getting on top of you. Certainly as a Mum myself having kids and chemo is quite a dificult combination. Whn you are at your lowest they are all me me me and its hard isnt it 'cos they kinda get sick of Mum being out of sorts!! Ruthless's advice (however kindly meant) about getting out every day and having time to yourself is maybe not so practical if you have to organise 5 kids to get ready and out the door too or find childcare which is often not easy - and anyway my kids hate being palmed off onto other people (or did when younger) You are coping with a great deal already - without having Cancer and Chemo - its no wonder you are feeling a bit swamped by it all! You are just going to have to look forward and believe - truly - that chemo will finish. Lots of ladies are now having chemo before surgery which five years ago when i was diagnosed didnt happen - they do it now because research shows that the progosis is improved if you have chemo first! Therefore, however horrible it is - chemo is playing its place in giving you a bright future with your kids. If you continue to feel this low you must tell someone, your GP your Mcmillan nurse or Oncologist - because you might need some help with the way you are feeling - not necessarily taking medicine but possibly talking about your felings with someone who understands. Maybe you are feling better already? Please keep in touch and either way let us know how you are doing. Lots of love Jools x x
