life as a career

Wow Colin. ... It can be tough, You no longer see your lovley wife as sexual, just someone to skivvy for and who's bottom needs wiping ( we had a few months of that ). During that time I totaly lost it, self medicated with my daily bottle of scotch, amazing how quickly your tolorence builds up and how you can carry on in a drunken fug ! 

You need to get yourself a counciler mate.  Sleeping in your clothes is a sure sign of depression. 

You don't say why you moved out into the other bedroom, was it due to her illness or were you fighting ? Can't family not come over and give you a break ?   We have no family so I am well aware how isolated you can feel. Friends would visit and Mimi would be all up and bubbly, they would leave and as soon as the front door closed she would flop and I would be left to clean up all the crap.

We are now in a much better place now.

Get yourself some help mate, visit your on Monday impress on them that you need some support, if that means you ball your eyes out in front of them, then so be it. 

Good luck mate.

gingercat. 

Wow Colin. ... It can be tough, You no longer see your lovley wife as sexual, just someone to skivvy for and who's bottom needs wiping ( we had a few months of that ). During that time I totaly lost it, self medicated with my daily bottle of scotch, amazing how quickly your tolorence builds up and how you can carry on in a drunken fug ! 

You need to get yourself a counciler mate.  Sleeping in your clothes is a sure sign of depression. 

You don't say why you moved out into the other bedroom, was it due to her illness or were you fighting ? Can't family not come over and give you a break ?   We have no family so I am well aware how isolated you can feel. Friends would visit and Mimi would be all up and bubbly, they would leave and as soon as the front door closed she would flop and I would be left to clean up all the crap.

We are now in a much better place now.

Get yourself some help mate, visit your  GP on Monday impress on them that you need some support, if that means you ball your eyes out in front of them, then so be it. 

Good luck mate.

gingercat. 

Oh Colin bud, it certainly is tough, both for sufferer and carer. I would agree with Gingercat and suggest you speak to a counsellor. I would either try your GP who may be able to arrange something for you, or speak to Macmillian. You can just phone the number on this site. I think you need to speak to her children, who I'm guessing are adults, and explain the situation and you cannot cope. Let alone waiting on them when they visit as well. They maybe don't realise the severity of all. It does take a long time to recover from ops and chemo. I only had chemo and radiation, and now 7 months on I am only just beginning to have any sort of normality to life starting to return. The sleeping in the other room thing, I have to say for a time my partner and I did sleep in separate rooms. Mainly because I was so paranoid he would roll over and accidentally bump into me. When you are the patient you feel very vulnerable and insecure. Maybe your wife has not actually said this, but it may be how she is feeling. You certainly need some respite care, you will be no help to your wife or yourself if you go downhill. I hope you get something sorted out bud. Sending you strength xx

In the beggining we just lived together we have been together for eight years. I was married but unhappy and we hit it off.

We used to jokely make fun at newly weds.

For a year my wife was sick but did not tell me and hid the pain untill I insested she go to the doctor.

The result was grade 4 colon cancer termail, you have maybe three years.

First CT scan showed 5 liver mets as a result of the cancer moving through the blood.

Three are small, two are very large; grapefruit and mellon sizes and both internal within the liver.

Feb 24 2013 treatment started!!!!

26th june 2014 we got married, the newly wed wife would only consumate the marriage due to legal reasons.

Over a period of time we started to drift apart, they call it Chemobrain, the wife will pick apart my best efforts to do anything.

She felt uneasy sleeping with me in the same bed. It turned out in her mind she wanted to make her death easier on me by creating distance between us.

I now sleep in another room with all of my clothing in that room.

This state of mind continues to this day somedays more than others and I am here trying to hold myself together, Yes I do love my wife, but times I hate her, not her herself the cancer that shows within her just at that time.

Its like living with an evil twin who looks and talks like my wife.

When it comes to her kids, they are all adults with families of ther own and despite telling them they just wont see I need a break.

Well, were wood I go?

They all live far away from treatment and even then the small kids are too much for the wife to handle.

I cant say to the wife, "here love, i'm in need of a break, lets send you in to care" now can ?

Me, well I did attened consulling, but what can that really do, talk,talk but the cancer wins in the end.

Lately the demands of caring and the chemobrain have me worn out.

When I did go out to talk to friends I get it in the ear when I came home for DAYS!

I am a prisoner in an open jail, just as long as I do not leave. The walls are my wife and the roof is my wife.

I'm going to break free one day sooner or later and fuck them all thats how I feel!

Then the a new day starts and I start caring all over again!

I can't leave, can only wait. Doing my best, holding my words keeping my patience and living each day as it comes.

Writing all of this down plus having someone to talk to like here at the forum has helped me so much.

I am a strong and vibrant person who loves life and its challanges wo just got a little hard done by.

As I speak now my true self comes back to me now.

Must not talk things so personally, just be patient, be caring and live evey day we have.

Colin

Hi Colin, some of those lines resonate with me, " hating your wife, not your wife but her cancer" and "if I got time away what would I do where would I go?". Done both of those mate. 

Would your wife be up for joint counciling ? We got it free through our local hospice, even though Mimi is (we think) in remission they still support us now.

I have phoned Macmillan a number of times to just chat and vent my splean. They are not condersending, I'v even done Samaritans ! 

I don't know if they do private messaging on this site? If not I'm willing to give you my private e-mail if you want to chat in private? I think we are around the same age, I'm 53, been with Mimi around 9yrs, shortly after we got together she got knocked down in a hit and run which left her disabled, we had to have a wet room fitted as she could no longer get in the bath, she walks with crutches etc and I have to swap my shifts ( I'm a train driver ) as she needs help dressing in the morning. So I have been doing this care stuff in some form for a while now. Around the same time that she got knocked down I had an RTA and ended up with tendon and nerve damage in my right arm, I had a compo claim and it was finaly settled middle of last year after the defence declined to produce their own medical experts report ! That left the door open for a big payout. We were in clover, only had £11k left on the house, treated myself to a used Jaguar XK (the one that looks like an Aston Martin) and we had money in the bank. You may have read in my other posts about Mimi's cancer so won't bore you with it again, surfice to say we  went from a big high to a low low. I won't be offended if you don't want to chat, just thought as been there and got the tee shirt it might help

Good luck mate.gingercat (simon).