Well hubby decided to call the hospital first thing this morning - I can feel the dread as he picks up the phone, my stomach starts to churn. He gets a temp receptionist who is not allowed to give results, so she will get someone to call us back. I try to carry on our conversation as normal but my mind is racing, my heart has gone into terror mode, not sure how I haven't had a heart attack as yet, so many times we have had to do this.
About an hour passes and the phone rings, I am closer to it so pick it up. The consultants receptionist is on the other end of the line, she tells me that his AFP is still 15, my mind goes into a blur, I can feel the tears building up, hubby is sat next to me and I am worried I will say the wrong thing, she goes on to tell me that his doc has arranged for hubby to have more chemo as a day case in three weeks time - I feel like shouting at her that he said two weeks on Friday but I can't, that would only panic Hubby and upset her, she is a nice person and we have known her for years now.
She asks if I am OK, and the normally chatty me cannot get into a conversation with her, I can feel her dejection - I normally have a gossip for a while with her. I say that I am OK but that I thought his bloods would be in normal range by now. Then I say goodbye and end the call.
I turn to hubby and again I have to be the one who tells him the news, it is so cruel that I seem to be the one who keeps doing this. He is my husband, I love him with my soul, I would love to be the one who could stop this now for him, so many years of him doing this, so much hurt, so much pain. Its not fair!
I can see that he is upset but he tells me that he is fine with it all. I go with him on this one and again I say the positive things, maybe it will continue to fall, the chemo carrys on working for weeks after having it, look at what happened last month etc etc
Then I find myself on the computer again!! Looking at what the protocol for this new chemo is , looking for the previous data on it. I spend an hour driving my brain mad with it all. I can see some things that make sense, but the child in me is so scared, I want him to be free of this dreaded disease, I want some normality in our life, and I do not want to think about the worse case senario. If I do that I will not function, I will curl up into a ball and stay there. I have to do what we have done since 1995 and believe that there is a chance of cure and he will be with me forever.
So I find myself here, writing my thoughts down, just to try and get them out of my head so that I can continue to be a wife and mother for another day. Its odd how you suddenly want your mum, to put her arms around you and tell you it will all be OK, to kiss it all better and send me on my way.
Well we now have three weeks to get through without going insane and then we will be back on the merry go round of chemo and hospital visits. Another Christmas with cancer. It started at Christmas 1995, then in 2000, 2002 and then in 2006, then 2008 and now this year. Gosh my kids will have some memories of their Christmas's as children.
Well I am kicking myself now, back to the place where I have to look forward with hope and belief. Maybe just maybe next year will be better. We have to get through at least six cycles of this chemo he will start on soon, so that will take us until the end of January 2010 and then we will take the next step. The only thing that keeps popping into my head is that the doc has said there is other chemos after this lot he can try, but how many times can you push the one you love with all your heart into doing this treatment again, knowing what it does to that person. Why there is a chance I will do anything, anything to have some normallity to our life, we had only had four years of marriage before all this started and I just want a little more, Please!
Ray xxxx
