Isn't it amazing how when the sun shines and you start to feel the warmth on your skin how everything in the world feels normal, if even if only for a short while.
Yesterday was a wonderfully warm day, not a cloud in the azure blue sky and as it was my birthday we decided to have a BBQ in the garden. Until I went outside I was feeling quite low - another year has passed, another birthday with cancer in our lives, another day stuck at home. No flying off to Paris for the weekend, no day out in the Cotswolds - 'oh why' was the first thought in my mind when I woke up.
Why are we still doing this? When is there to be an end? Life taken over by disease? Not feeling in control!
Jealousy starts to creep in when you see other people enjoying what seems to be a stress free life. When you listen to others making plans, no matter how much of a saint you are, you do start to feel jealous of them and sometimes that can get you down as you question why your life isn't like theirs.
Last year I was the big 4 0 but there was no big plans, no big celebrations. Another year down the line and there is still no big plans. In fact in the last 10 years of our journey with cancer (we have been doing this for 15 years but we did get nearly 4 years of remission time) hubby has managed to be in treatment at this time of the year. What an excuse to get out of present buying!!!!
So yesterday I dragged myself outside after trying to hide upstairs to no avail and in the garden was my hubby, my kids, my mum, my sister, my friends and they all had smiles on their faces. They were smiling at me. So I sat down in the glorious sunshine and the laughter began and within a short time I found myself looking up at the cloudless sky and thinking that life could not get more perfect than this. Yes, there was no fancy stays in hotels, no big gestures but I was with people who love me, people who care and to top it all I was with my whole family - hubby was there and I realised how lucky I really am as I still have him here and my kids can still laugh with their dad, still get a hug.
Maybe that old saying about the sun shing on the righteous is right because on my birthday I had the sun shining on me all day long and the day was brought to a close with us all sending up a sky lantern and making our individual wishes. I hope my wish comes true and I get to my next birthday and can still have what I got today. Sunshine and hope! Who could ask for more?
Ray x
