Since September the month after I completed Herceptin, I have been breathless. Really, truely unable to breath whilst at rest, coughing and at times unable to speak/eat. 2 weeks ago I spent a week in hosptial whilst the boffins not~in~white~coats tried to work out what was happening.
They found a small plural effusion around my right lung, but decided against trying to drain it when the lung function tests revealed that I was unable to exchange the gases inside the lung.
Everything else was more than normal. No active cancer anywhere, although there might have been evidence of previous spinal mets. The boffins were going to discuss the bone regrowth they'd noted on the CT's.
I was told to go home and rest, with the possible option of steriods if it still is a problem in 6 weeks.
Now, I am pleased that I'm not going to take yet more drugs (especially steriods if I can help it) but I am slipping down that slope to depression as I am off work yet again, feel shit, don't want to socialise and have just spent a dreadful couple of days with my mother who came down to 'help' me. Bless her, she really did catch the brunt of my anger. *sigh*
What makes it more frustrating (if I could summon up the energy) is that this morning I was telephoned by the consultant's secretary asking why I'd missed an appointment with her. Errrmmm, how could I miss an appointment if I didn't actually know about it? She apologised, but it makes me feel worse. I really don't need this ~ not now.
Today is Samhain, the end of the year and the major celebration in my calendar. I haven't even changed my altar yet ~ which shows how ill and uninspired I am. Just when I thought I could start rebuilding some normality in my life, I have been knocked back by something. And no one wants to put a finger on it and say it's caused by the treatment I've had in the past 18 months. Because, that's all I can think of.
Cancer effects everything, doesn't it?
Happy Hallowe'en
Someone else on this site once commented "the treatment for cancer is: cut, poison and burn"... Think what your poor body has been through and it is small wonder you feel as you do now. Also, psychologically, you've been doing this great battle against the disease, you've been actively going through treatments but now it's over you feel a little lost. The old cliches are the best - time will heal. Give yourself permission to rest, watch trashy daytime telly, read, eat chocolate, take a long relaxing soak in the bath... whatever rocks your boat. It does take time but you will get there.
