Well, where to start, just had my fourth chemo on Wednesday, then back to the hospital for an immune boosting injection - something new they have spung on me! But if it helps, and they assure me it does, whats another little prick! (sarp scratch sorry)
Felt rotten, really sick again despite the change of anti sicknes drugs, loss of appetite and a thirst I cant quench, not to mention rattling with the new anti sickness drugs and the now aching bones frm the new injection. One of my close girl friends had re-arranged a BBQ to come and see me today but I really didn't feel up to it so gently put her off. My OH was out golfing, very important day inhis golf calender, the Club Championship. He was happy to go and stay out with the boys I think (now with hindsight) on the basis my friend would be with me. I have spent most of the day moving between the bed and sofa and snoozing in or on them both. Generally feeling very sorry for myself - I hasten to add that is probably only the second or third bad "woe is me day" I had since diagnosis back in May.
Well the OH has just rolled in as he had had enough, and then proceeded to tell me to stop pushing people away as they will stop being interested and wanted to come - as if I didn't feel bad enough! I know I'm a terrible friend but I'm not one of those who enjoys taking from people. I have always been fiercely independent and have a air of self confidence to carry me through most things. I now feel quite uneasy with myself. I feel terrible, no energy, bald and have piled on the weight - I dont feel lie being sociable, even with people who know me sometimes.
My Mum is currently in hospital in Leeds, two weeks after a kidney transplant. This is fantastic as at the age of 70 and having been on dialysis for about 10 years I never thought it would happen. I'm worried about her as I haven't been able to see her with my chemo dates, and am speaking to my Dad for daily updates. But again I feel guilty as I haven't spoken to her since Wednesday as I cant fake being upbeat to perk her up when I dont feel like it myself.
I think part of the OH problem tonight is that he is not used to me being like this as I've always been the driving force, the strong one pushing to do things and I've had such a loss of confidence its upset the balance. He is extremely supportive but he is the only one I really offload to about not wanting to see people - maybe he thought this bit of tough love tonight would help. But he's gone to bed to sleep the sleep of the drunk and I'm sitting up watching rubbish TV and pouring out a rant and feeling sory for myself! I know we shouldn't wish our lives away but I cant wait for all this to be over. It still feels really surreal and like it is a bad dream that I should wake up from - if only!
Anyway enough ramblings, sorry for boring everyone, if you are still reading this far. Tomorrow is another day and will be better!
Goodnight
FormerMember
Chemo is shit and hellfire awful and who would wish it on their worst enemy???? But nobody who hasn't gone through it can ever truly understand. You are not boring; you are perfectly reasonable in thinking it's all surreal and unfortunately (but in a way, fortunately), your feelings are completely par for the course. Let off steam on here. You're welcome!
I look at it as the whole gammut of emotions, from rage to self-pity to grudging acceptance to, frankly, "I hate the world; this explains how meanigless it all is and why has this happened to me in this random scheme of things??" etc ad. nauseum. You're on your 4th; just mid-way I presume, and classicly the point where you feel the most down, dejected and why, why why?? (punch some keywords into this site and you'll see that your feelings are perfectly normal - you're not selfish or weird and you don't have to cater for other people's secret nightmares). All I can offer you is my experience: carry on, it does, really, eventually get better; you'll get to a day when you are glad you did it. I don't imagine for a moment that your friend doesn't understand; or that your husband is fed up (expect he's as exasperated as us at how cruel and vicious this nighmare is).
Please stick around here for support; we know how ghastly it is, and don't be afraid of a bit of self-pity. We've all done it, and It's allowed!
Hi there, i definitely dont think you are boring, you are making me wonder how i l be on my chemo, i start both radio and chemo on Tuesday, apart from the soreness from my PEG being fitted i feel great and i know thats not gonna last long! I m like you keep thinking im in a bad dream and its about someone else, I expect Tues and the following 30 sessions of radio and 6 weeks of chemo for 6 hours a time will put paid to that feeling??????? No one likes been bad but im terrible if i cant get out and about think i l just live in the bedroom for the duration and keep a low profile.
Regarding your friend s visit, i totally agree with you, you are bound to be feeling you arnt looking your best and like me you sound like you take pride in your appearance at all times and the way you feel and look now will be upsetting, i do exactly that no matter who it is if i dont feel up to a "visit" i gently tell them, everyone understands you have your good days and bad! At the mo im still managing the lippy lol we have a standing joke with me and my lippy, im known for my pink lips LOL
I ve already told everyone (well before this diagnosis) that everyone has to wear pink lips for the funeral LOL. Seriously tho Fiona we just have to go with the flow dont we and just mark every chemo session off the calander as they come and go!
Oh boy just had my 2nd chemo, maybe not as knackered as the first but do I want anyone near me? NO way, all I want is to sleep if I can, try to get comfy, find something to drink that dosnt taste sour or ugh, last time ginger beer worked know it tases disgusting.
Your friend will understand, well the good ones do, guess hubbies scared (he's male emotions cant be fixed and they like to fix things).
So be selfish for a bit your on chemo its ugh and anyone who's had it understands exactly how you feel.
Thanks for the positive comments and I do feel much better today, it does us good to let off steam, and to know we are not alone in these feelings.
Gill - funy about the lipstick - mine is red lips, Clarins "Harlot" red as nick named by my friends, not had it on for a couple of days but think today I will!
My Shrek has apologised and I have sent my friend a message about meeting up later as I will not let this beat me today.
Everyone's support is so much appreciated, and hope you all have a "lipstick" day x
for a while... I recognise what you're saying - there've been a couple of times when I just couldn't be bothered to muster the strength to be upbeat with family / friends on the phone. They live far away so I don't want to worry them at a distance. I can be upbeat / normal with the people I see - it's harder to find people to be angry / sad / whingy in front of and that's where this site comes into its own, I'm sure. There will always be people on here who have been through it - whatever <em>it</em> is - and even if you don't see things in exactly the same way, it's got to be helpful to let it out...
Hope today is better!
kx
ps I'm also bald (well kind of fuzzy), have piled on the weight and energy is down. Still put 'the face' on though when I go out and have got used to the wig (even if it makes me look like a round-cheeked peasant girl) - but that's down to me refusing to look like a 'cancer' patient. Sorry if that sounds awful. Makes me feel like 'me'.
