Well, where to start, just had my fourth chemo on Wednesday, then back to the hospital for an immune boosting injection - something new they have spung on me! But if it helps, and they assure me it does, whats another little prick! (sarp scratch sorry)
Felt rotten, really sick again despite the change of anti sicknes drugs, loss of appetite and a thirst I cant quench, not to mention rattling with the new anti sickness drugs and the now aching bones frm the new injection. One of my close girl friends had re-arranged a BBQ to come and see me today but I really didn't feel up to it so gently put her off. My OH was out golfing, very important day inhis golf calender, the Club Championship. He was happy to go and stay out with the boys I think (now with hindsight) on the basis my friend would be with me. I have spent most of the day moving between the bed and sofa and snoozing in or on them both. Generally feeling very sorry for myself - I hasten to add that is probably only the second or third bad "woe is me day" I had since diagnosis back in May.
Well the OH has just rolled in as he had had enough, and then proceeded to tell me to stop pushing people away as they will stop being interested and wanted to come - as if I didn't feel bad enough! I know I'm a terrible friend but I'm not one of those who enjoys taking from people. I have always been fiercely independent and have a air of self confidence to carry me through most things. I now feel quite uneasy with myself. I feel terrible, no energy, bald and have piled on the weight - I dont feel lie being sociable, even with people who know me sometimes.
My Mum is currently in hospital in Leeds, two weeks after a kidney transplant. This is fantastic as at the age of 70 and having been on dialysis for about 10 years I never thought it would happen. I'm worried about her as I haven't been able to see her with my chemo dates, and am speaking to my Dad for daily updates. But again I feel guilty as I haven't spoken to her since Wednesday as I cant fake being upbeat to perk her up when I dont feel like it myself.
I think part of the OH problem tonight is that he is not used to me being like this as I've always been the driving force, the strong one pushing to do things and I've had such a loss of confidence its upset the balance. He is extremely supportive but he is the only one I really offload to about not wanting to see people - maybe he thought this bit of tough love tonight would help. But he's gone to bed to sleep the sleep of the drunk and I'm sitting up watching rubbish TV and pouring out a rant and feeling sory for myself! I know we shouldn't wish our lives away but I cant wait for all this to be over. It still feels really surreal and like it is a bad dream that I should wake up from - if only!
Anyway enough ramblings, sorry for boring everyone, if you are still reading this far. Tomorrow is another day and will be better!
Goodnight
