Be Happy in the Garden.

Thanks for reasurance about site.  Your reply made me feel that indeed i am not "bothering people".  But instead having nice welcomed  friendly chats.  Good to know as well can have a good moan.  So right about the emotion thing,  & impact on confidence has really surprised me. Others responces gave some surprises too. Thanks for good wishes,  & same to you.

Thanks for sharing your "lesson learned", I appreciate your honesty.  I agree now with you,  but took my experiences to realise I should have told family &  friends.  I not tell anyone when I recalled from routine breast screening.  

Thought it be just repeat x ray.  Told work I be gone 30 minutes.  Returned 5 hours later, having had 2 biopsys taken & told got some worrying things on x ray.   If  nurses not been quite so surprised I on my own there & repeatedly saying about having someone at next appointment, still probably not have mentiomned it to family!  

Following appointment where they told me got cancer, in 3 areas of breast.  So grateful nurses encouraged me to tell family & have someone with me.  Obviously the surgeon very inportant in my recovery, but it the nurses guidance that seem to have helped me with finding ways to cope emotionally.  The nurses told me about this site.  But taken few months before felt could cope with this level of sharing.  All part of my recovery path I guess?

Oh so much of what you have written could be about me!  I find it SO hard to be the 'receiver' when all my life and work I have been the 'giver' and the one to support others.  I hate the feeling of being reliant on others but I was told many years ago to not deny others the pleasure of giving. I have been so fortunate with all the love and help I have received from those around me over the last few months and I am having to re-think my way of life etc. (something I think we all go through at some point after diagnosis).

I also resonated with your comments about giving yourself permission to say 'no' to allow some freedom.  I also would see things through to the end regardless of what was happening as I would see it as a failure even if the agreement was made by me to me lol! I laughed about the part when you went to your appt from work thinking you wouldn't be long.  I was actually working in a different dept at the hospital where I had my first appt and arranged to work until lunchtime then go for my appt and probably back to my dept after. Unfortunately the first person I met introduced herself as "hi, I'm the Lead Cancer Nurse"!!! OOps, didn't get back to work that afternoon but made sure I had a friend with me from then on at every appointment.

I'm so glad you found this site, it has been such a wonderful supporting place for me.

Take care

pheonix  xxx

Hiya Polly,

I've recently joined this site too and everyone is lovely.  Its SO comforting to have found such a great bunch of people, just also a shame to have found them under such circumstances eh?

I also live with my dog, my main man.  He's my world - life would be empty without the love of a dog :)

Take care xx  Simone

It is so helpful to know I not the only one to struggle with some of these issues.  Do you find this "rethinking way of life" thing surprises you at times?   I am begining to feel more comfortable about doing or saying things differently to what be prediagnosis.

Though at times I surprise myself.

But some things to work through & make sense of this week. I  went into work to say brief hello, as near the office when at hospital appointment.  I also had some employment  related paperwork to discuss with manager.  I have recently been into work a couple of times since going off sick & get a lovely warm welcome.  My first pop in visit was when I just been fitted with my prosthesis breast & I remember feeling so vulnerable & emotionally shakey.  Did not really have anything spare to be able to review my feelings then.

This weeks visit, made me feel like I steping down 2 parrallel roads with the ghost of my old way of dealing with the world of work & the potential of a different & new way.  But this new way so whispy & fragile & undeveloped. A few work related conversations occured so had chance to practice thinking & responding in this new way.  But could only feel it, not actually turn it into anything in practice.  But I  guess that is a start?  

Felt so strange to feel these 2 ways fighting each other for dominance.  A bit like drowning,  

I know I need to develope new ways, as you say we have to be gracious enough to receive & allow others to help.

I will have to learn to balance this more in my working role.

And allowing others to help more, to show my vulnerability,  is only one thing I think I need to change.  I suspect there is probably a long list of stuff I need to change!!??LOL.

Glad I got this supportive place to discover & explore.

I really felt for you with that intro of "Lead Cancer Nurse",  wow, no mystery there then! That told you. How ever did you not collapse in a heap on the floor I dont know.  We are made of such striong stuff.   I reckon our professional front gets us through tough work situations. But it can also become a habit in our own  personal experiences.  My review opinion is that it not always good or helpful way of coping.  But very expected by others.

Which brings to mind a relatioinship I ended some years ago for simular reasons.  Boyfriend only saw me as strong woman to his weak indesisive man.  I can be strong at times.  But not all time & I realised I like to have partner who I could rely upon & be strong for me.  Trouble was my PR was so consistant no wonder he thought I this always strong woman.

I been projecting this for years so going be tough for me to change & I think hard for some others to accept.

But change I am.

The only relief I felt from that drowning feeling I mentioned earlier was when I welcomed the different way.

So think there needs to be more of the new.

Take care Polly xx