ANOTHER UPDATE-18/09/2010
RE: SONS SECOND SCAN-ON 17/08/2010:
MY SON tells me, that he can't face ringing, & he doesnt want to know the results-Ive offered to phone UCHL for him, to get the results-but my son doesnt want to hear--He'll say to me- "Oh yes please", but when push comes to shove he wont let me. I know he thinks the cancer's back--& since ive hardly seen him all this year--I can't fill him with positivity. Im also really angry with him....you see, between the 1st scan & NO CANCER-[WHEN HE WAS TOLD HE COULD HAVE THE ODD DRINK, BUT NOT TO GET DRUNK]--My son told his 'friends' he was CURED!!? & got drunk-every night.....to the extent that he had a neutropenic 'episode', which ended with him on a life support machine----Yet the day he was released from hospital from that-[& Id been told to expect 'the worse'-that my son was "extremely ill" --three doctors told me that--, in the space of 20mins!!]....I NEVER EXPECTED HE'D BE SO INCONSIDERATE.....knowing what I went through, I saw him with pupils so dilated that he said he couldnt see- He was falling all around the house....by the time the AMBULANCE got to the local hospital, from my my house-[ i nearly didnt ring the ambulance-due to the last time i did, when son was hallucinating september 2009]-- they were 'working' on him,& he was on the life support machine, & it took them 5hrs to stabilise him for travel to london on a 'blue light' ambulance.....
His friends that saw him going into the ambulance, friends who asked me when I was taking his mobile phone into him--& when I said-"Oh, tomorrow I think"--[but didnt]- I sat on my sons bed, opening nasty text messages from his so called friends...None were worrying about him-they were pretty nasty--I had pretended to them that I was taking the mobile in, so I could see for myself how much the 'friends' cared......they took the P, were nasty txts-not one said "Oh my God, sorry to hear your ill,get well soon"....there were two-one a picture of a mezza bingo hall-[??]- the other was just downright nasty-telling my son to go across the road & to buy them a BATARD--??? Whatever one of those is!! I know ALL I need to from those texts to their dangerously ill 'friend'--they dont care about my son-they use him because he's got a car, ----today they woke him-[& me]- up at 8am-& that phone kept ringing every 2-3mins until they'd woken him-because they want my son to take them to Bournmouth today-because it's one of his 'friends' birthdays---- So off he's gone, driving on 3-4 hrs sleep, & Im pretty shattered too....frankly, honestly'....Im begining to not care either.....& writing that/admitting that, breaks my heart----
Since the bloody life support, & being told he was in remission from specialist, ALL he's done is jump to the so called friends orders!! I even had them in my house-trying to steal my sons laptop...this guy ran out of my front door-with my sons laptop under his arm---I went APE!! Unlike my son-I WONT TOLERATE PEE TAKERS--& BY GOD I LOST MY TEMPER. WENT ABSOLOUTELY MENTAL-I GOT THE LAPTOP BACK THOUGH---Cheeky Gits!! This is his 'caring friends'....they dont care about my son-they are simply using him for cash, & transport---[son's over £1000- overdrawn in bank]---He's the only one with a debit/credit card/money too!
My son is basically 'hanging around' with these loser druggies; [theyre not friends to him-they USE him!!] My son has got a criminal record since 'hanging' round with these 'friends'- & he also got arrested on Mothers Day 2010- for the alleged assualt-[which I wrote to you all about last year-september 22nd/23rd- [2009]- when son was hallucinating--The paramedic phoned police-to 'help' get my son into the ambulance--as he was hallucinating-----Well I had the Plod banging on my front door-in January of this year-leaving cards & notes about the 'alleged' attack on the paramedic!! This one copper stuart francis- DIDNT BELIEVE MY SON WAS IN UCHL- OR THAT HE HAD CANCER-HE MUST'VE THOUGHT I WAS LYING!!???==[says alot about the 'old bills' morality/honesty!!.... Anyway, they arrested son for 'assault', this year on Mothers day, & took him to the cells, & charged him---MY SON HAD NEVER EVER BEEN IN TROUBLE WITH THE POLICE BEFORE---& how the paramedic didnt realise he'd been 'ASSAULTED BY BEATING' until eight months AFTER the alleged date, I dont know.....WELL I DO-IT'S ALL LIES!....I WAS THERE-I DOCUMENTED EVERYTHING ON THIS SITE---My son was charged with ASSAULT BY BEATING-He's doing a years probation for that-but, after that, & realising he'd a criminal record- my son went totally off the rails, just thought he'd lost EVERYTHING with the criminal record too-
He's now hanging around with the druggie losers. Sons been stopped, stripped, searched-[everytime. the plod ridicule the scars where son had his hickman lines put]---to the extent that my son was going to get a tattoo to hide them!! He has had his ear pierced, & is walking around with a fake lump of supposed diamond in it!!!! Even when my son went neutrpeonic-& the ambulance was called, the police-[same copper-P.C.Stuart Francis]- said "he'd HAVE to be there as my son was a known paramedic batterer"--even the paramedic woman said she'd not come in unless the police were there-I HATE THEM SO MUCH!!!! It was after that court case, that my son really changed-Attitude was-"Well that's my life f'd up now"....that copper has a lot to answer for-as does that paramedic----they helped an already petrified young man, find yet another reason to 'give up trying'!!
So that's where we are now-son with quite a few petty drug offences--denying he's not cured, & just running around doing pointless sensless things-& me, behind him, TRYING to make him see sense.......but feeling so worn & abused by sons behaviour, & this seeming death wish he has-this total denial...& me TRYING to make staff aware, but just seen as an over worrying mum---aghhhh!!!! IM SO SICK OF TRYING TO MAKE THE MEDICAL STAFF SEE.....I almost feel that they DO see, but feel "Well, what can we do if he wont help himself"------sort of how Im begining to think. But REALLY im as SCARED AS MY SON now....the total belief & positivism seem to be flowing from me; & im so so scared that I'M GOING TO LOSE MY SON TO THIS DISEASE....& this presents me as a cold uncaring mum to my son-[if he's ever here to speak to me about anything that is!], as he's ALWAYS got a list of chores these 'useless friends' tell him to do; -like go & collect a pick-up of drugs....that's why my son's getting stopped so much by police....because of WHO he's hanging about with.
The families of sons 'friends' have been raided so many times that they probably can't BELIEVE their luck that my son, wanting to feel 'normal' again, is so easy to be used- taking the pressure of them, & their early morning raids!!
I AM SO ANGRY WITH MY SON-22YRS OLD NOW, FOR BEING SO WEAK!! FOR BEING SO SELFISH!! FOR CONSIDERING NO-ONE BUT A BUNDLE OF LOSERS.......FOR PUTTING THEM BEFORE HIMSELF & ME!!!!!!.........& putting that makes me so sad---I feel im pushing away from my son, myself.....so I wont be too hurt if my fears are found to be right.......How damn mad!! As if I could tolerate my son not surviving this!!!! I FEEL ANGER SO MUCH TO HIS 'FRIENDS'- I CAN HARDLY LOOK AT MY SON-IF HE'S IN.....HE'S USUALLY OUT RUNNING THOSE LOSERS AROUND: but when/if he's in I can't sit with him, I cant sit & watch him smoking-listen to the bloody cough again!! I even find myself thinking that those stemcells were wasted on my son.....that SOMEONE out there would have respected them....not expected them! Even the thankyou card to donor-was bought & written by me!! My son seems to thinks the world owes him a favour-cos he's ill!!
I have illnesses-my Crohns has FLARED UP & the day my son had his 2nd scan, I was in hospital having exploratory surgery...even that went wrong, & I was kept in overnight.......Im not too sure my son even went up for his 2nd pet- scan----& as he's an adult I apparently have NO RIGHTS!! THAT'S SO WRONG- Im not a random stranger-I AM HIS MOTHER....Throughout the past [almost] 4yrs. Ive been made to feel like I was in the way, interfering......infact the only time I wasnt was when I got him in to hospital for that neutropenic attack---my sons head/body was swelling-he couldnt talk, so I was told 'things'- but I'll say that Ive never felt 'included' throughout the duration from jan 2006-to september 2010. I see you all write about 'onc nurses, & mac nurses'.... Ive never had one, [& if I have/ son has, their role was never made clear]-----infact ive been made to feel like an 'over worrying mum'........how can a mum ever under-worry??? Im angry at my son, im angry that I havent a say in all of this, & im angry that my attempts to say about my sons refusal to face his illness, have left us like this. Even when my son came around from the lifesupport, I heard one nurse say to the other, [when my son wanted to try to drink some water]--"Oh watch, he'll drink that too fast & throw it up all over his mother" [me]------this was said to her collegue, & it was said as a joke----a laugh!! I remembered staring at her, & she caught my eye, & shut-up!! This from ITU 'professionals' at UCHL!! Ive also found out that I didnt have to keep running up & down there daily-I could have stayed in a relatives room......No-one told me this!!! Hence,I suspect the 'over pushing' of my body, is why my Crohn's disease flared up again.......
Im ill, I do feel like ive had it to here with everything-& I hate myself for that so much too- Im not usualy the weak one!!
I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE TO ANYONE WHO READS IT---MY MIND SEEMS TO BE ALL OVER THE PLACE LATELY----SORRY......
TO ANYONE READING THIS-PLEASE TAKECARE--& I'LL COME BACK ON SOON--LOVE TO GRAHAM-[scarborough]-FENTEACHER-& ALL THE LOVELY PEOPLE WHO SUPPORTED ME THROUGHOUT THE PAST NIGH ON 4YRS---THANKYOU. TO ANYONE READING THIS-MAYBE JUST DIAGNOSED....PLEASE KEEP YOURSELF IN CONTROL & FOCUSSED.....THIS EVIL DISEASE CAN BE BEAT-YOU NEED TO BE VERY STRONG, VERY DETERMINED, AND BELIEVE YOU'LL BEAT IT WITH EVERY FIBRE OF YOUR BEING....CANCER'S ONLY A NAME-THE POWER OF A POSITIVE MIND HAS BEEN PROVEN-MIND OVER BODY-BELIEVE YOU'LL WIN-DON'T EVEN ACCEPT ANY OTHER THOUGHT-EXCEPT THAT YOU'LL GET THROUGH IT. I BELIEVE THESE THINGS ARE SENT TO TRY US---TRY TO LEARN FROM THE NEWFOUND STRENGTH IN YOU; NOT GIVE IN-NEVER EVER GIVE IN---THAT GIVES 'IT' A CHANCE----
GOD BLESS YOU ALL. :))
