My personal situation is a bit unusual but need to explain before I go any further. I left the marital home 2 years ago after 30 years of marriage to come and live in Somerset (was living in Essex at the time). It was a necessary break for me although still loved husband and he me but due to life/circumstances at the time we couldn't carry on as we were. Our youngest daughter came with me purely because she wanted to attend a very good college in this part of the country and has done so well and is off to Uni on Monday as some of you already know!
We have never officially seperated but class ourselves as 'estranged'. He comes down every few months to visit us and I occasionaly go back to stay at our house and catch up with family on both sides. We agreed to give 'us' another go 18 months ago but due to neither of us being able to agree on where to live things have faltered again recently. Then I was diagnosed with MM and his world has been turned upside down but he has not 'been there' for me, not offered to come to any of the appts, insisted that I "come home" so he can look after me etc but not taking into account how I feel or what's best for me. As long as it's no inconvenience to him he's happy to have me near. I don't mean that in a nasty way although it doesn't look like that when written down.
Well, we had planned for him to come down tomorrow, ready for us taking said daughter to Uni on Monday. This morning he rang from work to say his father was ill with pneumonia and they had all been called to the hospital. He rang 20 mins later to say he was too late, his father had passed away before he was able to get there. Obviously he was very upset and so was I. I have been a part of his family for nearly 35 years and not being there to support him at this extremely sad time makes me feel I am failing him. We have spoken again this evening and he is still coming down tomorrow as nothing can be done re arrangements until Mon and he wants to be with us rather than on his own.
I'm glad that he will be here but it also means that the funeral will probably be Mon week. The very day I have been waiting 5 weeks to see the Plastic Surgeon before he books me in soon after for my further surgery. This means I will not be able to be there to support him and his family at that time either. What bl***y timing eh???
Oh well, better get to bed so I can be emotionally strong tomorrow!
Night night
pheonix xxx
FormerMember
Hi Phoenix
I am so sorry to hear about your Father-in-Law, my condolences to you and your Husband.
Having lost two nephews this past two months I too feel a failure at not being able to be as strong and supportive as I would otherwise be to my brother and sister. They have both understood though that my treatment must carry on and wouldn't want it any other way. I managed to work around the first funeral with my chemotherapy and the second funeral I cancelled my radiotherapy appointment and tagged an extra session on the the end.
I'm sure that if you spoke to your plastic surgeon's secretary and explained, they would be able to re-arrange your appointment. Of course the other thing would be to not have the funeral on the Monday.
When we were arranging my brother's son's funeral we changed the day from Wednesday to Friday as it would have been two months to the day since my sister's son had his funeral.
On the matter of help and support, my family too wanted me to go and stay at various of their houses so I wouldn't be on my own and it would be easier for them to look after me (my husband works abroad and I have seen him for two weeks since January when I was first diagnosed). Although their offers are kind I feel, like you, that their help is on their terms and not what is necessarily what I want or need. I like being in my own home with familiar things around me and in my own bed!! Of course having explained this I don't get any offers to shop or clean as this would put them out. So I shop on-line and the cleaning and all other household chores get done when I can.
My daughter too starts Uni on Monday to do an English M.A. and as she has given up full time work to do this and the course is only three days a week I am hoping for a little help from her.
You certainly seem to be having a run of awful luck lately. I'm so sorry for your loss, and please give your poor hubby (estranged though he may be!) a big hug from me, I'm sure he needs one! Hope all goes well transporting your daughter to uni, I'll be thinking of you on Monday, please do the same for me for tomorrow!
You must be feeling so sad about your father in law. You have lost him too. It is a combined loss, and you need each other now.
I would tend to agree that it would be nice if they could have the funeral on Tuesday instead. But you said yourself that your plastic surgeon was only going to fix a time to see you. Not setting a date for the op, but seeing you first.
Maybe they could skip this stage, and would just give you another appointment.
I'd say, try and move the appointment to a date within the next 5 weeks and if they can't help, ask if the funeral could be on the Tuesday instead.
Both of you have now fixed your life committments and it will take a lot of disentangling to live together again. Maybe you could find somewhere else to suit both of you. Don't let circumstance make your temporary separation permanent.
Everything, apart from the success of your daughter starting her new course, is either an uphill struggle or a series of sudden disasters. I am sure that your husband's family will understand your absence provided they know about you - what has he told them about your illness? You must have been under a lot of stress prior to actually separating as it is a huge decision to make after all that time. Am sending you some big hugs now, and lots of love xxxx Penny
Can I just say that I think your very brave to make a move from your marriage after so many years ...can't have been easy especially at the moment .
I have been married for more than 28 yrs but sad to say no real relationship as such and with what I'm going through at the moment like I said before ...just need a hug ....Just joined so I know I don't know the ins and outs of why but hope you have someone there to hug you xxx
