My personal situation is a bit unusual but need to explain before I go any further. I left the marital home 2 years ago after 30 years of marriage to come and live in Somerset (was living in Essex at the time). It was a necessary break for me although still loved husband and he me but due to life/circumstances at the time we couldn't carry on as we were. Our youngest daughter came with me purely because she wanted to attend a very good college in this part of the country and has done so well and is off to Uni on Monday as some of you already know!
We have never officially seperated but class ourselves as 'estranged'. He comes down every few months to visit us and I occasionaly go back to stay at our house and catch up with family on both sides. We agreed to give 'us' another go 18 months ago but due to neither of us being able to agree on where to live things have faltered again recently. Then I was diagnosed with MM and his world has been turned upside down but he has not 'been there' for me, not offered to come to any of the appts, insisted that I "come home" so he can look after me etc but not taking into account how I feel or what's best for me. As long as it's no inconvenience to him he's happy to have me near. I don't mean that in a nasty way although it doesn't look like that when written down.
Well, we had planned for him to come down tomorrow, ready for us taking said daughter to Uni on Monday. This morning he rang from work to say his father was ill with pneumonia and they had all been called to the hospital. He rang 20 mins later to say he was too late, his father had passed away before he was able to get there. Obviously he was very upset and so was I. I have been a part of his family for nearly 35 years and not being there to support him at this extremely sad time makes me feel I am failing him. We have spoken again this evening and he is still coming down tomorrow as nothing can be done re arrangements until Mon and he wants to be with us rather than on his own.
I'm glad that he will be here but it also means that the funeral will probably be Mon week. The very day I have been waiting 5 weeks to see the Plastic Surgeon before he books me in soon after for my further surgery. This means I will not be able to be there to support him and his family at that time either. What bl***y timing eh???
Oh well, better get to bed so I can be emotionally strong tomorrow!
Night night
pheonix xxx
I am sorry for your losses, both of your Father-in-Law and your marriage. Although it may be possible to rescue your marriage, the loss of your Father-in-Law is final. Changing an appointment with a doctor can be tremendously tricky and I can understand your reluctance to do so at the moment. I'm sure your husband can fix the funeral for whatever day suits him - undertakers are not dictators, nor are directors of crematoria. My Mother-in-law died in March slap bang in the middle of my radiotherapy treatment. Yes, I did have to change my appointment time from late afternoon to early morning but radiotherapy departments are usually a lot more flexible than plastic surgeons. Although I can understand your wish to support your husband, YOU and your health are far more important.
Would your husband be understanding if you asked him to change the day of the funeral? I know I changed the date of my own mother's funeral so that it didn't take place on her sister's birthday, and the church and funeral director were all very helpful and understanding. And for practical reasons, often a Tuesday is an easier day than Monday for people to get time off work or travel to attend. My heart goes out to you - you have enough to cope with at the moment. Love, Kate xxx
Thank you so much for your condolances and support. My husband arrived yesterday evening and I have been able to support him although I don't think it has actually sunk in with him yet (early days). He has already told me not to even think about changing my appt as he knows how long I have had to wait and how urgent my surgery is. He's also told our daughter that she is not to worry about attending the funeral as it will be her first week of lectures and he doesn't want her worrying about missing any so soon. Our eldest daughter said she will go and be there for us so at least one member of the family will be there for him.
Marsha, my thoughts were with you today and hope that you got your daughter safely to her Uni. I bet it feels very strange not having her there now. We are aiming to leave by 8am in the morning so early to bed tonight (no 3am visits to the chat room lol). My daughter has been getting more and more nervous as the day has gone on and told me she doesn't want to leave me on my own, bless her. I told her I will be fine and quite capable of looking after myself.
We were talking yesterday and she was complaining about her friends keep saying they were stressed about going to Uni. She said "well add to that that your mum's got cancer and your grandad has just died and then talk to me about stress!!". So much for her to cope with all at the same time.
It sounds as though your husband is holding himself in reserve until after the funeral. No doubt he has cried a bit at home. One of my neighbours died in a RTA aged just 19, and in bedsitland, it is like family. I hung on until after her funeral, then I just went to pieces.
Anyway, I'm sure your daughter will cope. Freshers week will be hard, because the frivolity will grate. A lot, but lectures should be a lot better. Just keeping in touch will be more than enough satisfaction to keep you both going. If you are coping, then she will.
