I thought this would be best place to recommend book lent to me by v good friend when I was diagnosed terminal. "The Natural Death Handbook" contains an enormous amount of clear and calming info. I would recommend it to anyone wanting to nurse someone at home/ die at home, to anyone wanting something other than the American megacorps funeral at the concrete crematorium, to anyone wanting financial info.... so much useful stuff. Something strange came out of it for me: my chosen funeral director and I exchanged quite a few letters after I'd chosen his Railway Funeral(!), and I ended up being put in touch with a BBC journalist and writer, Stephen Smith, who wanted to witness one of these affairs for his next book, "Underground Britain". As I haven't died yet, I escorted Stephen round the underground secret places of my city instead. We had a weirdly wonderful day - and I'll probably be in his book (although I'm unlikely to be able to see it published). I've had some amazing things happen to me since my diagnosis, and it does demonstrate that fantastic events can still keep on happening. ...xxx to you all.
FormerMember
I still haven't found anything to touch The Natural Death Handbook for being so well-written. However, I have been looking at various websites about "dying", ie the act of dying and the carer's role in the terminal process. It has been quite interesting for me, as I note a number of mental/emotional stages which I myself have reached/passed without realising that they are common denominators: eg. "Denial is an important coping mechanism and has been described as a form of terror management". Yep, that doesn't mean that I am in denial about being terminal, just that I don't want to think about it all the time, or even every day. This came from a website called "www.mayoclinic.com/print/grief " - then go to bottom of the page to "Coping" and click on "Terminal Illness: Interacting with a terminally ill patient". This article is for CARERS WHO WANT TO HELP TO LOOK AFTER THE PATIENT and would apply not only at home, but in a hospital/hospice environment. It has paragraphs on eg. "Life Review", "Power of Your Presence", "Importance of Touch", and advice about taking breaks and accepting support ie looking after yourself too.
There is a Buddhist website called "www.amitabhospice.org" which lists under the heading "Signs of Dying" the actual physical process and stages of dying alongside linking these to Buddhist thinking. It is very frank about the physical aspects - I add that as a warning that you may or may not wish to look at this!
There is also "www.hospicenet.org". From here I recognised, "To acknowledge you are dying is to let go of the future. It is to live only in the present." Something I realised pretty quickly, but am now in a state of limbo about because I have ended up having much more "future" than the oncologists predicted! This site does have the helpful suggestion about TELLING CHILDREN: "Children can cope with what they are told. They cannot cope with what they don't know." It has a long piece written by a physician who is terminally ill. He quotes Immanuel Kant's advice TO AVOID ACCEPTING SOMEONE ELSE'S AUTHORITY IN PLACE OF OUR OWN POWERS OF REASON", ie, don't let other people boss you around and into doing things their way. It's our body and our life.
I shall continue to add to this as I do more research. I do not intend to trumpet this, as I know this topic is not a populist subject! Group ethos is meant to be upbeat and positive. However I do not have my head stuck in the sand all the time. It's like doing revision before an exam. I feel a lot more confident if I've done lots, than if I did none!
xxx Penny
PS To end on an upbeat note, Stephen Smith, the BBC journalist and author contacted me last week. He was just writing up our day from the notes we both made. Stephen's "Underground Britain" will be one place I shall still be when I'm not here!
