On Monday, as a family we decided to withdrawal my fathers lung infection treatment, declined putting him on a ventilator and go for 'TLC' only. He died just over twenty four hours later (yesterday). I am now haunted by him struggling to communicate through the morphine, how aware was he? Was he scared? Was he panicking? Did he resent us as we sat with him as a family and watched him die, not responding to his requests? I'm glad he is in a better place now but those last few days are haunting me even though the last minutes of his life were serene and even warranted a smile from him as I whispered 'I love you' in his ear.
I do have some positives - my local Hospice, MacMillan and the NHS staff are worth more than any professional footballer is worth, next time you have dealings with them give them a smile and let them know :-)
Paul
FormerMember
Dear Paul - I would like to offer you and your family my heartfelt condolences on the death of your Dad. I'm sure that your Dad's feelings towards all of you would have been mostly gratitude - gratitude at knowing how very much he was loved by his family. Try not to torture yourself with images of his difficulties in communicating through morphine, he wouldn't want you to do that. He would want you to remember the smile he gave you when you whispered you loved him. So, let that image be the one that helps you through. I have a local hospice too, which I could never praise enough, filled with nurses who are truly the angels of this world. I wish for you and your family to be given the strength to help you through this heartbreaking time, with lots of love kate xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Oh Paul, my heart goes out to you - it really does. If it's any consolation to you, my beloved mum came home from the hospice on the Friday (5th Dec) and on both the Friday and Saturday we had some really lucid talks together, she complimented me on how I'd done up her room and how lovely it was (pastel coloured sheets to make a change from the stark white of hospital and hospice) and a little Christmas tree with some paper chains made by me and my 10-year-old daughter! But on the Sunday, mum went into that different place where pain lurks and our nightmares begin...on the Monday morning, I had the nurse come in from the hospice to put in the morphine drip and from that moment on, mum was either asleep or incoherent and when she was garbling to people they called me in there and kept saying 'what is she saying to us Han?' - well, I speak French really well - but this was totally different! And I would kiss my mum on the cheek and say to them, 'I'm sorry but I don't know' - but she could respond to 'are you in pain?' or even music - I played her a Leona Lewis song that I love but she had never heard it before and with closed eyes she frowned - so when I put on Rod Stewart 'Maggie May' - she smiled this really broad smile - still with closed eyes!!!
What I'm trying to say I suppose, is hold on to that smile your Dad gave you when you told him you loved him - I am convinced he will have known it was you and fully understood your pain and your love for him and how wonderful that in his last moments he should know such love from his child? Two hours before my mum died, I was laying with my head next to her on the bed and decided to say thank you for lots of things - teaching me to knit, teaching me to seww, teaching me to go out there in life and get what you want and not sit back and think it will come to you, teaching me to value the differences in people rather than seeing them as bad things - and I really thought she was already 'gone' from me, but to my complete and utter surprise (and I'm crying now as I type this) I looked at her face, eyes closed and a big teardrop rolled down her cheek....so she could hear me and she knew what I was saying and that was a tear of final happiness for her that she had done a wonderful job as a mum.
I don't torture myself about my mum's inability to communicate properly through speech in those last few days - I remember with warm happiness the smile and the teardrop, because they were her only way of responding and they gave me closure.
I will be thinking of you as you face these difficult dark days - you'll go over lots of things again and again in your mind, but after some time, your happy memories will come to the fore and there will be pleasure in the pain of loving someone so much.
, most of what you said i wanted to put in my profile, that lats few days , that last smile .the last few weeks she would say to me, let me go please ,i had to accept that she was in pain ,she was put on the morphen drip and the last week i said yes you can aunty joan, 3 pm christmas day no more pain with a smile on her face.
paul take care ,that smile says it all,
as i started to rite this i had a tear in my eye,now i see her smile ,
God bless you and a ((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))) from us all
I'm so sorry to read of your dear dad's passing, Paul. But hold onto the thought that you were with him at the end, that you had the chance to tell him that you loved him. He was surrounded by love and his passing was peaceful. Let that smile be the firrt thing that comes into your head when you think of him and not the worries about what he MIGHT have been trying to say in the time before.
