Well, it's been 2 months since we got dad's diagnosis and so much has happened in that time.
Things have been incredibly confusing and manic over the last 2 months, Dad's consultant decided it would be worth performing the cystectomy operation as although the cancer would still be in his chest, chemo was slowing the growth down and therefore the op would give him the chance of years rather than months. I had a lot of trouble understanding that, to me if they removed the bladder then it should be gone and it should mean he would be fine, but as my mum pointed out, it's still in his chest and that won't go away. Dad went in for his op on the 13th September and is now at home and recovering well.
2 days before his op, he did me the honour of walking me up the aisle as i married my fabulous other half. It was an intensely emotional day, i cried all the way up the aisle, as we got married and especially during the speeches. Dad got up and thanked everyone for coming and then all he said was how proud he was of me and that was it, i cried again, It makes me want to cry just writing this, i'm so glad we had the wedding then, so he could be there and feel well and really be a part of it.
Things have been mad since then really, when dad went in for his op i took a few days off work to be at the hospital with my mum. I had booked the mon, tues and wed off and was supposed to go back on the Thurs. Dad was doing fine but i was worried about mum, she's always been so independant and on the wed she actually asked if i would take thurs off as she felt she needed me around. I think that was more scary to me than some of the other stuff that has been going on.
We spent a lot of time sat in the hospital cafe talking during those 4 days as they would only let us in during visiting times but mum wanted to be close and one thing she said keeps coming back to me at the moment. She said that recent events have shown her just how strong i am, how much i can cope with but at the moment i don't feel strong. I'm starting to feel a little like i'm going mad, one minute i want to cry, then i'm just angry and then i'm happy. I'm up and down like anything and i wonder if that's because off all the time i've spent trying to be strong for everyone else.
This week has been a nightmare, our cat has been sick which is costing around £700 which was the money we were going to use for a honeymoon, my step kids mum has been in hospital so we have had the kids full time for a week and a half, the washing machine is leaking, my manager is away so it's all falling on me at work, the list does actually go on and on and i'm sorry. i know i'm moaning and there are people worse of than me but i just think it's all finally hitting me so everything just seems so much worse, maybe it's because we had all the wedding stress, then the wedding, then dad in hospital and then straight back to work and then this week as well.
Well i have gone on for long enough, Sorry to ramble on like that and please don't get me wrong, i don't sit around feeling sorry for myself normally, but i can't helo thinking that maybe everyone's entitled to feel a little overwhelmed sometimes and i should give myself a break for once.
