Annoyed, maybe unjustly but still annoyed

3 minute read time.

FormerMember

4 Jul 2010

Ok, so firstly i apologise because this is just me venting and i'm not sure i really have the right too.........

Yesterday i called my mum to see how everyone was and she sounded really funny on the phone, but i thought she may have been tired or something, well today my brother emailed me to ask if i knew that Dad had stopped taking all his medication...every single bit of it.

I was chatting to mum the other day as this is dad's last 2 days of chemo and he's got a scan after that to find out if it's helped at all. He was given the appt with his consultant to get the results of that and the consultant told them that if it hasn't helped then they will prob offer more chemo but only as a life prolonging measure. It was a small battle to get him to go through with these three rounds and i wanted to make sure mum knew she would probably have a fight on her hands to get him to have any more if there is no chance of it getting rid of the cancer. Now if it was just us older children and mum then like she said maybe she could see his point of view but there's also my little sister to think of and up to today i understood (at least as well as i can) both points of view, why would he put himself through more if it won't work but on the other hand he has a young child to think of.

But after hearing today that he's stopped taking his meds, i'm just annoyed!!! If this was 3 weeks time and he'd been told there was nothing that could be done, then ok, to me it's still not acceptable and i'd still be upset and confused but i don't want him to suffer any more than he has too with this.... However it's not 3 weeks from now, and as far as he knows there is still a small chance. How can he just give up like that?

This is gonna make me sound really awful but i almost feel what right does he have to do this? I know that ultimately it's his life and body and it has to be his choice but he choose to have a family, he made sure that we depended on him, that he was a huge part of our life and we need him around. He prov ed that we could be a family and that family life was something good, to be enjoyed and treasured. I should prob explain a bit more, i read through my last two posts and have never explained our family......you see my dad is technically my stepdad, has been for 14years and i call him dad as he has been more of a father to me than anyone else. When he married my mum, he took on me and my brother and treated us exactly like we were his own kids and then they had my little sister. He has always been there for me, and i did occasionally put them through hell but he never turned his back on me which some would say he had the right to do and for that and many other reasons he will always be my dad. But now i feel that he's being unfair, he promised he would always be there for us, whenever and whatever we needed and yet he can't if he just gives up.My little sister has never known anything different, he's always been there, she needs her dad and she needs to know that he is trying everything to stay with her for as long as he can. How can he just give up when there are so many friends and family that love him and want him around?

I've been reading a few blogs and forums on here recently and one thing that has always struck me is how much people fight, they go through absolute hell but they fight! I don't understand why it seems like he doesn't want to!!

FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi Hidden Dreams,

I understand what your saying about his choice to bring up a Family. That was then this is now. Maybe

just maybe your Dad Is fed up with being in Pain all the time and is now at the stage where he wants to make a final Choice. It wont be easy for him or your Family. But one things for sure whatever he decides he Loves you and your Family very much.

Take care and be Safe Big Hugs Love Sarsfield.xxx
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

if it wasnt for a couple of people on this site i would have stopped having my chemo after having had the 5 doses or cvp and the 7 doses of chop..

i then had to have r-dhap and i so wasnt going to bother , even though there was a chance it would get me into remission...which it did..

i really didnt think i could stand more chemo at the time
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi hidden dreams

I understand completely how you feel and and wish all of you and your dad so much strength.

I do want to just try and say that I think sometimes the medication, the treatement, and all that goes with that can sometimes be so hard and can appear to steal any quality of life there is. Obviously I don't know you dad's situation but I was with my husband every second when he was going through a similar decision making process - and just knew he couldn't take any more. Maybe because I had seen how ill it made him I was able to understand how he reached that choice, and knew that although it was heartbreaking it was the right one for him - and therefore for me.

I know at the time one of his daughters felt exactly the same as you did, she had just given birth to her second son and it was so difficult trying to explain how and why he reached that decision and knew it was the right way for him.

My son, was also a step-son and like you had really know my hubby as the one constant male role model in his life.

So yes it was devastating to hear initially, but once it was made his life was calmer and easier.

You already know from all the wonderful years that he has been there for you, has loved you and supported you that you, your brother and your sister are so precious to him. He knows you want him around and I am sure he would love nothing more than to be there for many years. He has given you all such a wonderful gift and it is something that cannot be taken away.

Strength to you all, with much love. Judi
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Thanks for the replies, I understand what you are saying, i think my problem really lies in the fact that he has tolerated chemo well. There were times last year when my nephew could've said that's it, i can't take it any more and yet he still fought on and is now doing well, i saw how much he fought and i just think that dad is so much stronger than this.

I actually said to my mum about this the other day, i asked how we could make him go through more treatment if it's not going to help as the cumulative effect would be worse and now listen to me....hypocrite or what? Although i think part of what really bothers me is the timing. I know ultimately it's his choice and I really don't want him to get to a point where he is suffering badly.

I know that in the end though he will do what is right for him, i know that and i support that, I knew this wouldn't be easy in any regard or for any of us, i just never thought it could be this confusing.
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FormerMember over 14 years ago

Hi Hidden Dreams

Never call yourself a hypocrite hun, you just want your wonderful dad to be around for as long as possible. You sound, to me, a wonderful and supportive daughter both to your dad and your mum.

I really wish you and your family all the best, and as you have found out - it can be very useful to have a place where you can air your thoughts and fears. Keep doing that, and I am sending good vibes your way.

Judi
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