Dad is 2 and a half years into life with cancer. he has inoperable, incurable cancer of the gullet. Still dont think i have come to terms with the fact that this horrid illness is going to take my dad away from me.
I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel helpless. I feel inadequate. Who do i look out for? My dad who is clearly suffering? My mam who is suffering by watching the love of her life suffer? My 9 year old daughter who loves her grandad to bits and cannot understand why he isnt as playful as normal? And of course there is me? My dad is my hero. He is in pain and suffering and i dont know how to help.
Dad has completed 2 courses of chemo that have done their job in preventing the cancer growing significantly. But the last course made him unwell so no more were scheduled. Just recently my dad started a chemo trial "thing". I feel ignorant of the details cos dad doesnt talk about it at all. But he's suffering and he didnt have the last course of treatment cos he is breathless and tired. The doctors want to make sure the treatment isnt causing these symptoms.
I visited my mam and dad today. Dad slept through the visit - waking every once in a while to add a comment to the conversation. I kissed him goodbye but he didnt respond. Seeing him huddled into himself is so heartbreaking.
My mam has been coping so so so well - watching dads diet, maintaining his weight, keeping his spirits up. But this recent slump in my dad has hit her hard. I feel for her on so many levels. Next week I am taking my mam to Jimmie's Macmillan centre. I think i am hoping for a miracle. At the very least - a magic wand to rid the world of this dreadful disease!
