:(

3 minute read time.

FormerMember

27 Apr 2012

Yesterday we got the news we'd been waiting for. The Specialist (of what, I don't know) has scrutinised dad-in-law's scan results and come up with a Diagnosis.

Here it is.

He's been very ill.

Well, yes. We had noticed.

It was perhaps one of the following things:

a) a severe bladder infection which caused kidney problems

b) a severe liver infection which has left him with some liver damage

c) a bile duct problem.

So it wasn't pancreatic cancer, tumours in many and or various organs,or Just Old Age.

He is starving himself for reasons medically unknown as he is now No Longer At Death's Door but Getting Better. (At 97...) His depression cannot be treated with medication because of his liver problems.

So now what? It's like snakes and ladders and I am so TIRED of the one step forward, one step back-ness of it all. (Obviously I'm not as close to dad-in-law as his blood relatives, who are focussed on making his quality of life as good as it can be and hoping not to lose him in the immediate future). But it's going to happen again, isn't it?

My main problem is the vivid and very distressing flashbacks I keep getting of my dad dying in the hospice in November last year. For some reason the current situation has ripped off the scab and I'm back in the horror zone again. I had tried to hide from it so it wouldn't get me by taking pills (and beer, in moderation of course, because of the alcoholism of the Father Of My Children). I CANNOT get his last moments /days out of my head: it's driving me insane and back into depression, which I DO NOT have time for.

On this site there are so many people going through the vileness of cancer themselves, and people caring for their loved ones who are suffering, and I (as far as I know) am in good health, so I know how very, very fortunate I am. I have 3 fantastic kids who love me and whom I adore, a lovely, lovely husband, and all I could wish for. I even have a job ( about which I moan but I do really appreciate).

I have no siblings and my relationship with my mother has never been close or warm. I don't actually want anything to do with her: how liberating to be able to say that here when I can't say it anywhere else! She's not an easy person and now is bereaved and devastated having lost her husband. I find myself resenting her neediness, which is appalling even to me (the resentment, I mean). I know she's chosen to live (with my dad when he was alive) a life of isolation and now he's gone she has pretty well got nothing. I can't fill the gap he's left. I was never quite up to their standards when he was ok and their life was untouched by cancer, so there's bugger all hope now. And I don't even want to try to.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm TRYING very very hard to support my husband (who adores his dad, who adores him) but feel guilty for neglecting my mother (whom I pity but am unable to empathise with as it's too painful for me to revisit my own loss of a father).

I want to have a big, messy toddler-style paddy and demand that people feel sorry for me but I know how stupid that is, when there's nothing physically wrong with me.

Trouble is, this morning on my drive to work (with the music turned up super high so I can't think or feel) I found myself feeling suicidal again: just for a short time, but I haven't felt this bad since 2006 when I had a bit of a breakdown.

What the hell is going on in my head and how can I fix it?

FormerMember over 12 years ago

I am not surprised that this is opening up feelings for you and it is all very stressful. You must get some help with this and don't feel stupid or guilty or anything.

Please please go and book an appointment with your GP tomorrow and talk to them. They should be able to arrange some counselling for you, or something to help.

You have suffered a lot of stress and heartbreak and nothing to feel bad about. With your husband's cancer on top of that too, I am surprised you have not crumbled sooner.

Please get some professional help for this. We care about you here and thinking suicidal thoughts however short, must show you that you need to get some help before you have another breakdown.

Sending you the biggest of hugs and please promise me you will go and see someone on Monday if not tomorrow????? Or even phone the mac line tonight?

Lots of love

Little My xxxxx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Hi honey

Depression - to use a broad term - doesn't work like that, it's not logical; you can't balance up the credits against the debits, or sweep it away because other people are worse off. So they may well be, but you have massive amounts of stress of your own going on. Your mind is telling you it's time to ask for help. Make an appointment with your GP, and talk things through with them. They might offer you counselling, or they might prescribe you something - not even a major something, I went from suicidal to euphoric on one small dose of Lofebramine a day. (This was all pre-cancer. Oddly, I'm not depressed, as such, these days!)

In the meantime, keep talking to your Mac friends; it'll help you realise that you're not alone in this.

Love to you

- Hilary
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Cruton over 12 years ago

Hi Sugreen you may be in physical good health but you are suffering so much emotionally.It is such a short time since your dad died and I can only assume that the situation with your husbands dad has as you say opened up the wound and all the feelings are all mixed up together.You are under an enormous amount of stress and trying to hide how you feel and support others only adds to that stress and in a way you sound like you feel very alone with it all and in a way wanting others to notice that you are not ok.Please seek help as soon as you can and really you are not alone as Hilary has said your Mac friends are here for you sending you love and hugs Scraton xxxx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Little My & Hilary & Scraton

Thank you all for your advice and more importantly for just being there and taking the time from your own worries and troubles. And thanks for your 'permission' to feel like shite!

I will see my GP asap but today I have upped my antidepressants by 10mg and will hope that will help: maybe just by doing that today will have a placebo effect...

I had a Talk with my husband last night after he had come back from his dad's. Dad-in-law seems to have perked up a little so husband is a minute amount more relaxed, so a little less pressure there, however briefly.

We have concluded (yet again) that my mother's situation is Not My Fault (stating the bleedin obvious but I'm a bit fuzzy in the head).

Yes I am under stress. And a CRAP Head at work doesn't help either. (All Per Una and slab thick makeup and ineffectual management with zero people skills). And the teacher I work for is haviing a tough time after her son's recent suicide attempt... And my magnificent & supportive (genuinely!)19 year old daughter is away at uni There isn't, or wasn't, anywhere for me to go to vent until I 'met' you lovely Mac sisters. You are SUCH a help and I love you to bits.

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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Please do go and see the GP and I hope the anti depressants work in the meantime . Plenty of us who have had the mum guilt trip thing... And you said it... It's not your fault. Chin up lovely and that is the great thing about the mac family we help eachother out whoever needs it at that time. Glad to see you posting a bit better this morning I was worried about you Lots of love Little My ps your head sounds ghastly!
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